


shitpost central

by absoluteTomfoolery



Series: shitpost central (and their adventures) [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dancer Lance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Group chat, Multi, Texting, Unrequited Crush, ace pidge, also penis mention! but comedically not like sexual, esmeralda is briefly mentioned, food poisoning mention, homestuck is mentioned, hot topic employee Keith, i promise hell say yaint at one point, just letting you know because inappropriate or vulgar things need be mentioned, lotors galra generals will show up too, pidge may or may not be a lil bit into esme but JUST a lil hint ok, shitposting, yknow i had to do it to yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-18 15:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11877114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absoluteTomfoolery/pseuds/absoluteTomfoolery
Summary: the only excusable form of night writing is texting ficsso here i am, and here it is(after my first mediocre attempt at a voltron fic,this isthe sequel)





	1. barbecue sauce on my titties

**Author's Note:**

> shitpost central:  
> trynadie >> exasperatedFather  
> knifeman >> xXxmothfanxXx  
> lanceylance >> lemmesmash  
> princessmonstertruck >> allurass  
> pidgey >> pidgeonator3000  
> hunkydory >> hunkofgorgeous  
> mattholt >> matterbaby
> 
> 1on1 chats will have username switches stated clearly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lemmesmash: whats a matterbaby
> 
> lemmesmash: OH NO
> 
> matterbaby: AT LAST
> 
> matterbaby: nothin baby whats a matter w you?
> 
> exasperatedFather: excuse me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we address the absence of matt holt and
> 
> gasp
> 
> plot?

_**shitpost central** _

**lemmesmash:** i saw lotor today i have half a mind to sneak up behind him and cut his stupid hair

 **allurass:** i wish i could fire him

 **lemmesmash:** he tried getting in my pants again 

 **lemmesmash:** but in that weird "i wanna date you and if you refuse ill vaguely insult you"

 **lemmesmash:** its so,,,,, backhanded

 **allurass:** gross

 **allurass:** tbh if it was up to me he wouldve been out a while ago but hes fuckin good at hair

 **allurass:** and my dad and his dad used to be really really close

 **allurass:** sighs

 **lemmesmash:** you ok lura??

 **allurass:** yeah its just

 **allurass:** i miss my dad

 **lemmesmash:** i know bb

 **lemmesmash:** wanna come over and do face masks??? i wanna make u feel better <3

 **allurass:** ilysm lance

 **allurass:** yeah ill be there <3

 **pidgeonator3000:** ughghUGHgHGUGHGH

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** whats wrong pidge

 **pidgeonator3000:** i HATE homework

 **pidgeonator3000:** i wanna fuckin grab this fuckin essay and fucking SHOVE IT UP IVERSONS ASS

 **exasperatedFather:** language

 **pidgeonator3000:** i wanna DIE

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** do u need help

 **pidgeonator3000:** yes please

 **pidgeonator3000:** also i h8 matt

 **exasperatedFather:** same

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** why

 **pidgeonator3000:** keith bc he ate the last slice of pizza and it was fucking MINE

 **pidgeonator3000:** and shiro dont even lie youve been dating my brother for two years u practically live in his ass

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** PIDGE

 **exasperatedFather:** P I D GE?

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** i did NOT need to know that about my brother

 **exasperatedFather:** IM GONNA MURDER YOU

 **pidgeonator3000:** what are you gonna do smother me in mykbvehvnerifierfbehv

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** THEYRE DEAD

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i heard conflict whats going on

 **hunkofgorgeous:** famous last words

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** he didnt even wait until they were asleep

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** he just went for it

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yknow this reminds me

 **hunkofgorgeous:** how come matt isnt in the chat

 **pidgeonator3000:** no

 **hunkofgorgeous:** there they are

 **hunkofgorgeous:** but seriously when esmeralda stayed over for thanksgiving he missed the entire thing

 **pidgeonator3000:** just because he stays over all the time doesnt mean he actually lives here

 **pidgeonator3000:** he lives in the dorms

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ohhhh right

 **pidgeonator3000:** he did actually stay at our parents' for thanksgiving though

 **pidgeonator3000:** i didnt bc we were caught up with esme

 **pidgeonator3000:** speaking of i miss her

 **lemmesmash:** i heard my sister's name

 **lemmesmash:** didnt she add all of you on snapchat

 **lemmesmash:** she told me

 **lemmesmash:** she sent me a sc of her streaks list and underlined each of you

 **lemmesmash:** and captioned it 'i stole all of ur bitches'

 **pidgeonator3000:** shes 100% right

 **lemmesmash:** shes going to a new school now

 **lemmesmash:** she has a gf actually

 **hunkofgorgeous:** good content

 **hunkofgorgeous:** Show Me More Of This

 **lemmesmash:** meanwhile. here i am, single as shit,

 **lemmesmash:** despite having NUMEROUS AMIABLE QUALITIES

 **lemmesmash:** and AMAZING hips

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** dont forget the legs

 **lemmesmash:** YEAH and my LEGS

 **lemmesmash:** wait what

 **pidgeonator3000:** IM LEGENDARY ALL LEGS NO DAIRY

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** LEGS LEGS WHATS ON THE MENU

 **pidgeonator3000:** LEGS LEGS

 

_**(pidgey) fuckingremlin >> ** _ _**(knifeman) sasukewannabe** _

**fuckingremlin:** you're welcome

 **sasukewannabe:** you saved my ass squirtle

 

  _ **shitpost central**_

 **lemmesmash:** so im sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties,

 **pidgeonator3000:** what the fuck

 **lemmesmash:** look we just finished doing masks 

 **lemmesmash:** [ _peeptheglo.jpg_ ]

 **allurass:** lance really knows how to make someone feel better

 **allurass:** thanks baby boy

 **lemmesmash:** any time lura

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** is the moon gay? discuss

 **exasperatedFather:** what

 **allurass:** definitely gay

 **lemmesmash:** my sapphic QUEEN

 **pidgeonator3000:** what about the sun

 **exasperatedFather:** who, matt? my sun and stars? gay,

 **pidgeonator3000:** thats the cheesiest fuckin thing ive ever heard im sending this to matt

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** stop theyre gonna start making out and shiro's room is right next to mine

 **pidgeonator3000:** im disgusted, revolted, i dedicate my entire life to our lord and savior jesus christ and this is the thanks i get

 **exasperatedFather:** apart from it being true i mostly said that to annoy you

 **pidgeonator3000:** i dragged u once shiro dont make me do it again

 **exasperatedFather:** ill smother u again u absolute gremlin

 **pidgeonator3000:** whatever at least my username isnt from a homestuck phase

 **lemmesmash:** GASP

 **allurass:** lance just dropped his mirror what hapenkNFKNRKENEVBLR HAHAHAHAHAHA

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** I REMEMBER THAT

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** GOD LEARN TO SET YOUR GREY PAINT

 **hunkofgorgeous:** HE C O S P L A Y E D

 **exasperatedFather:** YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD KIDDO

 **pidgeonator3000:** allura protect me

 **allurass:** stay away from my evil child you horned troll

 **exasperatedFather:** matt just got here

 **exasperatedFather:** you know what. i wanna get back at pidge since they escaped to lance's apt.

 _**exasperatedFather** _ **_added mattholt_ **

**_mattholt changed their name to matterbaby_ **

**lemmesmash:** whats a matterbaby

 **lemmesmash:** OH NO

 **matterbaby:** AT LAST

 **matterbaby:** nothin baby whats a matter w you?

 **exasperatedFather:** excuse me

 **lemmesmash:** I HATE U

 **pidgeonator3000:** SHIRO YOU'VE SUMMONED SATAN

 **exasperatedFather:** you called me out on my homestuck phase

 **exasperatedFather:** which, by the way, is much worse,

 **matterbaby:** i cant believe i was alive for that

 **matterbaby:** im so grateful

 **matterbaby:** i think, 

 **exasperatedFather:** wait, no matt

 **matterbaby:** i have PICTURES ON MY COMPUTER

 **exasperatedFather:** M A T  T N O

 **pidgeonator3000:** ive changed my mind my brother can stay

 **lemmesmash:** i cant believe i was such a fool as to fall for your brother's mind trickery

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** i can 

 **lemmesmash:** im calling the police this is slander

 **lemmesmash:** slander on my good name

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** what good name

 **lemmesmash:** STOP

 **allurass:** keith is a little devil child

 **allurass:** tbh i love u keith but i wanna kick ur ass so much,

 **lemmesmash:** so do i 

 **pidgeonator3000:** eyes emoji

 **pidgeonator3000:** notepad emoji

 **lemmesmash:** what

 **lemmesmash:** stop writing out the emoji instead of typing them in

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** this is homophobia

 **allurass:** why

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** because im gay and its inconveniencing me

 **hunkofgorgeous:** so im back from Baking

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and i just wanted to remind you all that shay is beautiful and i love her,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** with all of my heart and all of my soul, she is by far

 **lemmesmash:** the most beautiful woman youve ever met?

 **exasperatedFather:** enchanting, captivating, compassionate?

 **allurass:** glowing with the power of a thousand suns?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yes exactly

 **hunkofgorgeous:** our first anniversary is coming up and you guys just gave me an idea

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im gonna write her a love letter

 **pidgeonator3000:** thats a great idea actually

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** yeah shay would probably like that

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** yknow i never understood sappy romantic things

 **lemmesmash:** thats bc u dont get any action, ever,

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** and yet its still more than what you get

 **pidgeonator3000:** see keith shows affection by bullying you relentlessly

 **pidgeonator3000:** like i do

 **pidgeonator3000:** like, for example, lance's hair looks like a beaver went up there and, not knowing how to climb down lance's impossibly long, lanky limbs, died of starvation

 **lemmesmash:** i

 **pidgeonator3000:** that, of course, does not mean i hate you or that i truly thing your hair is ugly

 **pidgeonator3000:** but! if for some reason you end up together with lotor, i firmly believe your locks would thank you

 **lemmesmash:** first of all, ew, never,

 **lemmesmash:** second of all, how dare you,

 **lemmesmash:** when clearly BEEF LORRAINE is the worst offender

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** how do you come up with these 

 **lemmesmash:** its a talent, mullet

 **pidgeonator3000:** im just imagining lance sitting in his room, dreaming up ideas on what to call keith the next time he sees him

 **lemmesmash:** yeah pretty much

 **lemmesmash:** wait

 **lemmesmash:** waiT no i DOnt 

 

_**(pidgey) fuckingremlin >> ** _ _**(knifeman) sasukewannabe** _

 

 **sasukewannabe:** hhoOooo o O o oo O

 **fuckingremlin:** ur so gay

 **sasukewannabe:** haha y e ah

 

_**shitpost central** _

**pidgeonator3000:** isnt it #canon that you gossip about keith to your sister so much that when she first saw him in the lobby she recognized him immediately

 **lemmesmash:** STOP EXPOSING ME

 **lemmesmash:** THATS FAKE ANYWAY i never gossip about keith to my sister

 **xXxmothfanxXx:** so howd she recognize me

 **lemmesmash:** I DONT KNOW TEETH RESTRAIN

_**xXxmothfanxXx changed their name to teethrestrain** _

**teethrestrain:** im keeping this one

 **lemmesmash:** I COULDNT COME UP WITH ANYTHING

 **lemmesmash:** STOP BULLYING ME,

 **allurass:** awww he likes you! <3 <3

 **lemmesmash:** IM SCREAMING

 **allurass:** no youre not youre holding onto your phone for dear life while your face has gone completely red

 **allurass:** and now youre gonna lunge atlevnlrvnlwvbleriherirubevhie

 **pidgeonator30000:** she sacrificed herself to give us this good content

 **teethrestrain:** in loving memory

 

_**(lanceylance) mygorgeousboy >> ** _ _**(princessmonstertruck) myqueen** _

**mygorgeousboy:** im going to ctrl + alt + delete myself

 **myqueen:** just tell him u like him already its all over your spam 2.0

 **mygorgeousboy:** im dying squirtle

 **myqueen:** look, its not my job to get you two together

 **myqueen:** and im certain that if i tried it would only make things worse

 **myqueen:** so ive already given you my advice, which is all that i can give

 **myqueen:** though i wish i could help more, do with this what you will

 **mygorgeousboy:** :(

 **myqueen:** i know

 **mygorgeousboy:** how did you get over shiro when you didnt even confess to him??

 **myqueen:** to this day im still not entirely sure

 **myqueen:** if anything im the last person you should ask for emotional guidance, especially romantic

 **myqueen:** all i know is that i should have told him and been rejected

 **myqueen:** than avoided him and cause #springBreak

 **mygorgeousboy:** I REMEMBER THAT

 **mygorgeousboy:** geez you think that can happen if i dont tell keith? that was really bad

 **myqueen:** i think it could be worse

 **myqueen:** the last thing i want is to see you two get hurt

 **myqueen:** and i think #springBreak2 would be substantially worse than any outcome you might get if keith rejects you

 **mygorgeousboy:** ok

 **mygorgeousboy:** ill think about it

 **myqueen:** good

 **myqueen:** now are we gonna marathon all harry potter movies up in this shit or what

 **mygorgeousboy:** hell fucking yeah


	2. the condiment war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pidgeonator3000: WHO THE FUCK,
> 
> pidgeonator3000: PUT MAYONNAISE
> 
> pidgeonator3000: INSIDE MY SOCKS
> 
> pidgeonator3000: INSIDE MY SHOES
> 
> pidgeonator3000: INSIDE MY S O A P D I S P E N S E R
> 
> pidgeonator3000: AND PUT OPEN PACKETS INSIDE MY PILLOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whats cooler than cool??? ice cold!!! alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright

_**shitpost central** _

**hunkofgorgeous:** IM FUCKING SEETHING

 **hunkofgorgeous:** I WAS ON THE FUCKING FREEWAY AND THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKER WAS TAILGATING ME

 **hunkofgorgeous:** AND I TURNED TO SEE WHOMST TF IT WAS WHEN THEY PASSED ME

 **hunkofgorgeous:** AND IT WAS LOTOR'S GF ZETHRID

 **allurass:**??? hunk sweetie lotor's super gay

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WH

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OH, WELL, IT WAS LOTOR'S FRIEND ZETHRID

 **hunkofgorgeous:** AND WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND SHE FUCKIN GAVE ME THE BIRD

 **lemmesmash:** who is she where is she what is she doing right now im gonna fuckin track her down and throw hands

 **allurass:** im going with you

 **teethrestrain:** i heard violence and im just letting y'all know i want in

 **hunkofgorgeous:** no i have a feeling shed hand us all our asses on silver platters

 **allurass:** ,,,,, i mean yeah

 **allurass:** see this is why i cant fire lotor he has fucking bodyguards for friends

 **lemmesmash:** that ezor girl is really nice and friendly though!!

 **allurass:** sweetie when you first met her she insulted your hair you just didnt understand

 **lemmesmash:** WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY HAIR

 **teethrestrain:** bc its so easy

 **lemmesmash:** YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT EASY TO INSULT, MR. MULLET,?

 **pidgeonator3000:** tbh idk why you call it a mullet when CLEARLY its just an overgrown emo haircut

 **teethrestrain:** only True Gays understand

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ugh im sitting on the couch, absolutely fuming,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** sure would be nice if my best friend couldlefhlweulfwuqhliughlrbvlqer

 **allurass:** LMAO

 **allurass:** how much do you wanna bet lance tackled hunk for Immediate Comfort

 **pidgeonator3000:** tbh hunk doesnt even need to ask anymore dont they have a psychic connection

 **teethrestrain:** sometimes ill be like 'im hungry' and pidge will fuckin blast my door open and demand we go to mcdonalds

 **teethrestrain:** and ill be like wtf.... i was JUST thinking abt mcdonalds

 **exasperatedFather:** sometimes matt will get up to get water and ill remember that i wanted water too

 **exasperatedFather:** so hell come back with two glasses before i even mentioned anything 

 **exasperatedFather:** and hell be like 'these are BOTh for me'

 **matterbaby:** LMAO yeah i will

 **matterbaby:** im a thirsty boy

 **exasperatedFather:** yeah you are

 **pidgeonator3000:** EWWWWW get this sinnery OUT of my chat

 **exasperatedFather:** we didnt SAY ANYTHING

 **hunkofgorgeous:** seconded

 **lemmesmash:** ill cleanse ur palette and raise you this

 **lemmesmash:** [ _cuddlebuddies.jpg_ ]

 **lemmesmash:** two best friends cuddling on the couch

 **lemmesmash:** -3 inches apart bc they love and appreciate each other

 **teethrestrain:** that doesnt go with the song

 **lemmesmash:** u dont go with the song

 **hunkofgorgeous:** good one lance

 **lemmesmash:** <3

 **exasperatedFather:** yknow i wanna change my name now that pidge exposed me

 **exasperatedFather:** but idk what to change it to

 **matterbaby:** i know just what you can change it to

 **matterbaby:** give me ya phone

_**exasperatedFather changed their name to updog** _

**updog:** whats updog??

 **matterbaby:** NOTHIN DOG WHATS UP W YOU?

 **updog:** im

 **lemmesmash:** dhvblwevleiurqr IM SO ALIVE

 **pidgeonator3000:** screenshotted, logged in my bullet journal, printed and framed in the main hallway

 **updog:** im breaking up with you

 **matterbaby:** NOOOO shiro i love you :(

 **updog:** you love me?

 **pidgeonator3000:** gross

 **matterbaby:** yeah :( i do

 **updog:** i love you too

 **updog:** i WILL get you back for this though

 **updog:** but this time ill get your sibling to help me

 **pidgeonator3000:** ew keep me out of ur weird sex games

 **updog:** nevermind youre both dead to me

 **updog:** lance what do you know about pranking

 **lemmesmash:** that depends how attached are you to your pinkie

 **updog:** fucking nevermind

 **teethrestrain:** you asked lance for help instead of me??

 **updog:** i dont want them to DIE, keith

 **teethrestrain:** fair point

 **allurass:** i have a few ideas

 **allurass:** ill pm them to you

 **updog:** thank fuck

_**(princessmonstertruck) somethingsparkly >> ** _ _**(trynadie) takashitfuck** _

**somethingsparkly:** ok so first you have to buy live cockroaches

 **takashitfuck:** no

 **somethingsparkly:** fine then get a bottle of mayonnaise and

 **takashitfuck:**... im listening

_**shitpost central** _

_(three hours later)_

**pidgeonator3000:** WHO THE FUCK,

 **pidgeonator3000:** PUT MAYONNAISE

 **pidgeonator3000:** INSIDE MY SOCKS

 **pidgeonator3000:** INSIDE MY SHOES

 **pidgeonator3000:** INSIDE MY S O A P D I S P E N S E R

 **pidgeonator3000:** AND PUT OPEN PACKETS INSIDE MY PILLOW

 **allurass:** TOO FAR SHIRO I JUST SAID SOAP DISPENSER

 **pidgeonator3000:** WHAT THE HELL, SHIRO

 **teethrestrain:** MY ROOM IS COVERED IN KETCHUP IT LOOKS LIKE A MURDER SCENE

 **matterbaby:** I FUCKING HATE MUSTARD

 **hunkofgorgeous:** GUYS

 **hunkofgorgeous:** I DIDNT DO ANYTHING, SO WHY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WHY HAVE ALL OF THE CONDIMENTS IN OUR PANTRY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** BEEN REPLACED BY B A R B E C U E S A U C E

 **hunkofgorgeous:** IM GONNA MURDER YOU SHIRO

 **pidgeonator3000:** WE ALL WILL

 **pidgeonator3000:** WHERE THE FUCK EVEN ARE YOU

 **updog:** im far, far away

 **matterbaby:** hes hiding in the bathroom i can hear snickering

 **updog:** NO

 **teethrestrain:** what did I DO to deserve this

 **updog:** idk i wanted to complete the mayo mustard ketchup set

 **updog:** and i didnt wanna do it to lance bc he didnt do anything

 **teethrestrain:** I DIDNT DO ANYTHING EITHER

 **lemmesmash:** ily shiro

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WHAT ABOUT ME

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CONDIMENTS

 **updog:** actually i didnt do that

 **hunkofgorgeous:** LANCE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WHERE, ARE MY INGREDIENTS,

 **lemmesmash:** i didnt do it either

 **allurass:** i did it

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ALLURA WHY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** AND WHY BBQ SAUCE???

 **allurass:** idk i wanted to have some fun too

 **allurass:** bc barbecue sauce is tall, dark, and sweet, just like u

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ,,,,,, I GUESS,,,,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** [ _IGUESSMEME.jpg_ ]

 **allurass:** theyre behind the cups btw id never throw your things away

 **hunkofgorgeous:** where did you even get ten bottles of barbecue sauce

 **allurass:** idk i had them lying around

 **matterbaby:** [ _ranchboy.jpg_ ]

 **matterbaby:** [ _ranchboy2.jpg_ ]

 **matterbaby:** [ _ranchboy3.jpg_ ]

 **matterbaby:** vengeance

 **lemmesmash:** YOU COVERED HIM IN RANCH

 **lemmesmash:** DAD ARE YOU OK??

 **pidgeonator3000:** WE MADE FALSE RETREATING FOOTSTEP SOUNDS AND WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM WE SQUIRTED HIM WITH RANCH

 **pidgeonator3000:** HES CRYING AS WE SPEAK

 **updog:** ive never wanted to die more

 **teethrestrain:** i cant believe we had a condiment war

 **teethrestrain:** how the hell are we gonna clean all of this up

 **matterbaby:** thats why u have friends my dear children

 **pidgeonator3000:** dont talk about friends like you have any

 **pidgeonator3000:** lankwjef llkrf ,

 **matterbaby:** i squirted them with ranch

 **teethrestrain:** the hallway is covered in ranch, mayonnaise, mustard, and ketchup

 **teethrestrain:** we need help

 **lemmesmash:** ill bring my clean up supplies

 **matterbaby:** lance is the realest in the chat hes my bf now

 **lemmesmash:** let me clarify im only help you clean for the photo opportunities

 **lemmesmash:** on any other day i wouldnt hesitate to set cockroaches free in your fine apartment

 **updog:** do that and ill throw you to the other side of the apartment complex

 **lemmesmash:** noted, ranch man

 **updog:** i hate being alive

 **matterbaby:** you shouldve known it was a bad idea shiro three against one is a heavy challenge

 **updog:** :(

 **matterbaby:** im sorry babe

 **matterbaby:** why dont u come over and we can make honey mustard

 **pidgeonator3000:** IM DISGUSTED

 **teethrestrain:** EW THATS GROSS

 **matterbaby:** were gonna CUDDLE you absolute FUCKSHITS

 **updog:** :)

 **matterbaby:** actually we should take a shower

 **pidgeonator3000:** STOP FLIRTING ON HERE GO PRIVATE

 **matterbaby:** lokfjfhjlwkqfhkqw I HATE  U

 **pidgeonator3000:** thank fuck

 **lemmesmash:** im here open your door

 **pidgeonator3000:** kk omw

**_(magicmatt) loveofmylife >> _ ** **_(trynadie) ranchboy_ **

**ranchboy:** you changed my name to RANCHBOY didnt you

 **loveofmylife:** out of love

 **ranchboy:** i hate you

 **loveofmylife:** no u dont

 **ranchboy:**... fucker

 **loveofmylife:** cmon lets shower

 **loveofmylife:** ;) together

 **ranchboy:** ;) 

_**shitpost central** _

**pidgeonator3000:** WTF LANCE YOU LEFT AND YOU SPILLED ALL THE WATER FROM YOUR BUCKET

 **lemmesmash:** I HAD TO GO IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW

 **pidgeonator3000:** WHY

 **lemmesmash:** PRIVATE THINGS

 **teethrestrain:** YOU

 **teethrestrain:** YOU SPILLED IT ALL OVER ME

 **teethrestrain:** I HAVE TO SHOWER AGAIN

 **lemmesmash:** SORRY KEITH

 **teethrestrain:** YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE

 **lemmesmash:** NO I STG I DIDNT 

 

**_(lanceylance) lanceylance >> _ ** **_(esmeraldamcclain) hermanitahermosa_ **

**lanceylance:** [ _FUCK.jpg_ ]

 **lanceylance:** I SAW HIM SHIRTLESS ESMERALDA WHAT DO I DO

 **lanceylance:** HELP

 **hermanitahermosa:** suck his dick

 **hermanitahermosa:** just go for it right then and there nobody would be surprised anyway

 **lanceylance:** WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU

 **lanceylance:** WH

 **hermanitahermosa:** imagine having a crush on your neighbor and whenever you see him shirtless you immediately flee to your sister who, btw, is five years younger than you

 **hermanitahermosa:** and GAY

 **lanceylance:** touché

 **hermanitahermosa:** douché

 **lanceylance:** i hate you

 **hermanitahermosa:** no u dont

 **lanceylance:**... fucker

**_(lanceylance) mymoon >> _ ** **_(hunkydory) mysunshine_ **

**mymoon:** hunk why didnt you tell me keith was ripped

 **mysunshine:** bc the one time he took off his shirt in front of me he was so pale i was almost blinded

 ** **mymoon** : **hes hot hunk what do i do

 **mysunshine:** idk man idek how i got shay tbqh

 ** **mymoon** : **lies you got shay with your beautiful face and dazzling personality 

 ** **mymoon** : **you see I Don't Have That

 **mysunshine:** um thats FAKE you light up my entire world and i love you?

 ** **mymoon** : **thats gay

 **mysunshine:** tru

 **mysunshine:** why dont you ask your sister

 ** **mymoon** : **[ _evillittlegremlin.jpg_ ]

 **mysunshine:** shes not wrong

 ** **mymoon** : **HUNK

 **mysunshine:** just ask him to hang out

 ** **mymoon** : **How do i do That

 **mysunshine:** idk ask him to watch a rly bad movie with you

 ** **mymoon** : **like what

 **mysunshine:** sharknado

 ** **mymoon** : **... hunk youre a genius

**_(lanceylance) forgetfullassBITCH >> (knifeman) ebonydarkness_ **

**forgetfulassBITCH** : hey keith

 **ebonydarkness:** yes hello its me keith

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** what

 **ebonydarkness:** what business do u have with me, keith

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** shiro is this you

 **ebonydarkness:** NO this is keith

 **ebonydarkness:** ehfliuweqhfiqhLFL

 **ebonydarkness:** sorry that was shiro

 **ebonydarkness:** whats up

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** wanna come over and watch sharknado

 **ebonydarkness:** you wanna watch sharknado with me???

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** yeah??

 **ebonydarkness:**... ok ill be right there

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** sweet ill get the popcorn

 **ebonydarkness:** kk

_**(pidgey) fuckingremlin >> ** _ _**(knifeman) sasukewannabe** _

**sasukewannabe:** lqkjfIUFIhiuvhieruhiHIURhnirquvh WE'RE GONNA WATCH A MOVIE

 **fuckingremlin:** what movie

 **sasukewannabe:** sharknado

 **fuckingremlin:** holy shit

 **fuckingremlin:** idk how u can doubt that hes in love w you nobody willingly watches sharknado with someone unless theyre tryna get w them

 **sasukewannabe:** shut up hes not into me like that

 **fuckingremlin:** lets say that hes not, even though he totally is,

 **fuckingremlin:** why would you agree if hes not into you? 

 **sasukewannabe:** i think we've already established i hate myself pidge

 **fuckingremlin:** thats,,, thats true

 **fuckingremlin:** go,

 **fuckingremlin:** be gay

 


	3. #springBreak2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> history repeats itself

 

**_(princessmonstertruck) myqueen >> (lanceylance) mygorgeousboy_  
**

**myqueen:** hey lance are you alright??? 

 **myqueen:** you havent checked in to the main chat in a bit

 **mygorgeousboy:** yeah im fine 

 **mygorgeousboy:** did you need something?

 **myqueen:** no i just

 **myqueen:** wanted to make sure you were ok

 **mygorgeousboy:** i dont

 **mygorgeousboy:** i dont know allura i just

 **myqueen:** do you want me to call you?

 **mygorgeousboy:** i dont know

 **myqueen:** im coming over

 **mygorgeousboy:**... ok

_**(hunkydory) sunshineman >> (princessmonstertruck) glowinggodess**_

**sunshineman:** hey allura is everything ok?

 **sunshineman:** i mean i saw you burst into our home and slam your way into lance's room so

 **sunshineman:** everything alright?

 **glowinggodess:** sorry hunk! i was texting lance and he just seemed really off so i wanted to help him

 **sunshineman:** oh

 **glowinggodess:** come with us our boy is sad

 **sunshineman:** u dont gotta tell me twice

_**shitpost central** _

**updog:** this chat is so empty. why

 **updog:** i mean usually theres so much screaming

 **matterbaby:** you missin our kids??

 **updog:** theyre not my kids but yes

 **updog:** hmmmmm somethins not right

**_(pidgey) fuckingremlin >> (knifeman) sasukewannabe_   
**

**fuckingremlin:** so then what did you say

 **sasukewannabe:** i was like "this movie is so bad hahaha" and then we joked around for a bit and we laughed and then

 **sasukewannabe:** he goes to the bathroom and he doesnt come out for the rest of the movie??

 **sasukewannabe:** and im worried bc what if something went wrong right?

 **sasukewannabe:** so i knock on the door and im like hey lance are you alright

 **sasukewannabe:** and he was like 'yeah im sorry i dont feel very well'

 **sasukewannabe:** so i took that as my cue to leave so i apologized and i left

 **fuckingremlin:** i see

 **sasukewannabe:** pidge i feel like i did something wrong but hes not answering my texts

 **sasukewannabe:** i hate being alive So Much

 **fuckingremlin:** hey hey its okay

 **fuckingremlin:** try texting him again

 **sasukewannabe:** ok

**_(knifeman) ebonydarkness >> (lanceylance) forgetfulassBITCH_ **

**ebonydarkness:** hey lance are you okay?

 **ebonydarkness:** youve been acting kind of strange and i just wanted to know if everything was ok

 **ebonydarkness:** im sorry if i made you uncomfortable last night or if i weirded you out

 **ebonydarkness:** i just thought we could

 **ebonydarkness:** im sorry please get back to me as soon as you can

_**(trynadie) fucklord >> (knifeman) littleshit** _

**fucklord:** hey keith you feelin ok?

 **littleshit:** that depends

 **littleshit:** i mean i wanna die but thats a constant

 **fucklord:** does it have something to do with lance? because if he did something

 **littleshit:** no i

 **littleshit:** i think i did? i dont know he hasnt answered

 **fucklord:** oh no

 **littleshit:**?

_**(trynadie) takashitfuck >> (princessmonstertruck) somethingsparkly** _

**takashitfuck:** have you heard from lance today?

 **somethingsparkly:** yes im with him as we speak

 **somethingsparkly:** hes just getting some things off his chest

 **somethingsparkly:** i know what youre thinking and

 **somethingsparkly:** it wont happen again

 **takashitfuck:** i know

 **takashitfuck:** i just 

 **takashitfuck:** i dont want them to go through something like that

 **somethingsparkly:** i know

 **somethingsparkly:** me either

 **takashitfuck:** look i know you dont wanna talk about it but

 **somethingsparkly:** shiro please 

 **somethingsparkly:** i cant talk right now im with lance

 **takashitfuck:** fine

 **somethingsparkly:** thank you

_**(pidgey) earth >> (hunkydory) jupiter** _

**earth:** hey hunk do you mind passing me the notes for chem

 **jupiter:** im sorry pidge i cant im with lance

 **earth:** i figured, im with keith

 **earth:** wont be able to write mine for the same reasons im assuming

 **jupiter:** well if you didnt play with the professors projector instead of studying

 **earth:** lmao = leave my ass olone

 **earth:** what happened last night anyway?

 **jupiter:** i dont think its my place to tell you

 **earth:** good point

 **earth:** keith is worried though

 **jupiter:** i know

 **jupiter:** lance is

 **jupiter:** well

 **earth:** i know

 **earth:** im worried for both of them

 **jupiter:** so am i

_**(lanceylance) forgetfulassBITCH >> (knifeman) ebonydarkness** _

**forgetfulassBITCH:** hey keith im sorry i went MIA

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** please dont think you made me uncomfortable or weirded me out you didnt

 **ebonydarkness:** lance how can i not think that?

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** what?

 **ebonydarkness:** look sometimes i feel like we're getting along

 **ebonydarkness:** and then sometimes you pull shit like this and

 **ebonydarkness:** it makes me feel like you hate me or you dont want to talk to me and

 **ebonydarkness:** we were hanging out and not fighting and i thought we could be friends and then you disappear on me?

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** what do you mean "thought we could be friends"

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** keith we ARE friends

 **ebonydarkness:** are you sure?

 **ebonydarkness:** because sometimes it feels like you hate me!

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** keith sometimes it feels like you hate ME!

 **ebonydarkness:** HOW

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** you're always picking on me and we never hang out and when we do we clash 

 **ebonydarkness:** I dont want that either!!!!

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** keith i dont hate you

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** i dont think i could ever hate you

 **ebonydarkness:** me either

 **ebonydarkness:** so dont pull an allura and just

 **ebonydarkness:** close yourself off

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** im sorry

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** can u forgive me?

 **ebonydarkness:** stupid

 **ebonydarkness:** yes

 **ebonydarkness:** you stupid

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** yay good

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** with that said i propose we make our bad movie nights a habit

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** all in favor say aye, aye

 **ebonydarkness:** aye

 **forgetfulassBITCH:** hell yeah

_**(pidgey) walkingfunkopop >> (lanceylance) shitlord** _

**walkingfunkopop:** everything ok lance??

 **shitlord:** yeah everythings fine

 **walkingfunkopop:** good

 **walkingfunkopop:** what happened last night anyway

 **shitlord:** oh uh

 **shitlord:** well u already know i have a crush on keith lmao u follow my Spam 2.0

 **walkingfunkopop:** u mean ur finsta

 **shitlord:** spam 2.0 anyway

 **shitlord:** he just

 **shitlord:** the living room was dark and the light from the tv was blue and he just looked so pretty when he laughed 

 **shitlord:** and i got really overwhelmed i didnt know what to do

 **shitlord:** so i hid in the bathroom and tried not to cry

 **walkingfunkopop:** you cried bc hes pretty?

 **shitlord:** no u fuckin

 **shitlord:** i cried bc i think hes so good and amazing and badass and gorgeous and i dont

 **shitlord:** pidge he needs someone thats just as good and i cant be that

 **shitlord:** i could never be that

 **shitlord:** even if by some miracle he liked me back im still

 **shitlord:** im still just lance

 **shitlord:** i dont deserve him

 **shitlord:** and i felt like shit for even trying

 **walkingfunkopop:** lance i cant change the way you feel

 **walkingfunkopop:** i wish i could

 **walkingfunkopop:** but all i can say is that you are much more amazing than what you give yourself credit for

 **walkingfunkopop:** it makes me worried to hear you say things like that

 **walkingfunkopop:** nobody thinks less of you

 **walkingfunkopop:** and dont stop trying

 **shitlord:** sometimes i forget how nice you are pidge

 **walkingfunkopop:** good

 **walkingfunkopop:** my evil and conniving exterior MUST be preserved at all times

 **shitlord:** u can lie all u want i know uve got a heart in there

 **walkingfunkopop:** no i dont 

 **walkingfunkopop:** whatever u think uve heard or seen?? a lie and ill make sure the government says so as well

 **shitlord:** nvm nvm nvm 

_**shitpost central** _

**corancoranthegorgeousman:** AND SO I SAID TO HIM

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** NO VLADIMIR, YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS

 **allurass:** hi uncle!!!!

 **allurass:** not to be rude but um

 **allurass:** what are u doing here

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** MATTERBABY SUGGESTED I TELL THE STORY OF HOW I GOT KICKED OUT OF RUSSIA

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** NOT TO BE RUDE MY DEAREST NIECE BUT WHO IS HE?

 **matterbaby:** my name is matt holt im pidge's older brother

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** I SEE! 

 **lemmesmash:** hey guys sorry ive been mia

 **lemmesmash:** im feeling better now

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** LANCE MY DAPPER YOUNG LAD!! HOW ARE YOU ON THIS FINE EVENING?

 **lemmesmash:** hi coran!! im doing great

 **lemmesmash:** hey i never got to thank you for giving my sister a ride that one time

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** A LOVELY YOUNG LADY! GIVE HER MY SINCEREST REGARDS AND WELL WISHES ON HER LIFE IN FLORIDA!

 **lemmesmash:** will do coran

 **updog:** everything good now??

 **teethrestrain:** yeah everythings fine

 **updog:** good 

 **allurass:** im glad everythings better

 **updog:** so am i

 **updog:** wouldnt want another situation like last time would we?

 **allurass:** shiro please not in front of my uncle

 **updog:** no allura im done skirting around this you have to tell me what went wrong

 **allurass:** shiro please stop

 **updog:** we're doing this the easy way or the hard way

 **updog:** whats it gonna be allura?

_**hunkofgorgeous kicked updog, allurass** _

 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** theyre doing it my way

 **hunkofgorgeous:** if theyre gonna fight theyre doing it without an audience

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and we all know why it happened anyway

 **hunkofgorgeous:** so we dont need another explanation

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and we're not meddling, capiche?

 **lemmesmash:** agreed

 **pidgeonator3000:** wasnt planning on it

 **matterbaby:** #messy

 **teethrestrain:** capiche

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** WHAT JUST HAPPENED??

 **hunkofgorgeous:** nothing to worry about coran

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and while we all enjoyed having you in this chat

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** AH YES I UNDERSTAND!! I MUST GET BACK TO...

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** I THINK THE TERM IS CATFISHING?

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** CATFISHING VLADIMIR PUTIN!! SO LONG KIDS

_**corancoranthegorgeousman has left the chat** _

**pidgeonator3000:** hunk taking charge is so satisfying to watch

 **pidgeonator3000:** he does it so well

 **hunkofgorgeous:** well SOMEBODY had to be the adult here

 **hunkofgorgeous:** besides shiro and allura were best friends im sure this wont be difficult to solve

 **lemmesmash:** i hope so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coming up next: the talk


	4. you just have to learn to have these hard conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shiro and allura talk

_**(princessmonstertruck) somethingsparkly >> (trynadie) takashitfuck** _

**somethingsparkly:** shiro why are you still angry about this???

 **somethingsparkly:** i thought we moved on

 **takashitfuck:** allura you and i both know our friendship hasnt been the same since it happened

 **takashitfuck:** i mean thats gotta be obvious

 **takashitfuck:** you used to come over all the time and we'd watch movies and hang out and

 **takashitfuck:** i got no word from you for all of the week before and of spring break

 **takashitfuck:** then we head to your office to check on you and

 **takashitfuck:** you know how much it hurt to be turned away through intercom?? in t e r com 

 **takashitfuck:** and then you just pop into the gc like nothing happened and everyone forgives you?? i dont get it allura

 **takashitfuck:** no word of what happened no apology you just left me hanging like that

 **takashitfuck:** and then you hate talking about it or mentioning it

 **takashitfuck:** we dont want it to happen with lance but i still dont know what the fuck happened!!

 **takashitfuck:** why dont you just talk to me?

 **takashitfuck:** i was supposed to be your best friend and it seems like im the only one you cant trust anymore

 **somethingsparkly:** shiro please stop i dont wanna fight about this with you

 **takashitfuck:** you dont get to make that choice by yourself

 **takashitfuck:** my feelings on this matter too

 **takashitfuck** : allura please just tell me what went wrong

 **somethingsparkly** : its not that easy shiro

 **takashitfuck** : why not?

 **somethingsparkly** : because i was in love with you

 **somethingsparkly:** you absolute fucking garbage can

 **somethingsparkly** : and its not worth mentioning bc youre not gonna like me back and its never gonna happen theres no point

 **somethingsparkly** : theres literally no point shiro im over it

 **takashitfuck** : of course theres a point

 **takashitfuck** : allura if it hurt you to the point that it made you push everyone away then of course it matters

 **takashitfuck** : im so sorry allura

 **somethingsparkly** : dont say sorry like its your fault it was my problem

 **takashitfuck** : it shouldnt have been yours to bear alone

 **somethingsparkly** : theres no possible way you couldve helped me

 **takashitfuck** : but i couldve been there for you

 **takashitfuck** : i wanted to be there for you

 **somethingsparkly** : it wouldve done more harm than good

 **somethingsparkly** : and i didnt want to be near you or the rest of our friends because i thought i was just better off alone

 **somethingsparkly** : i didnt want it to hurt anymore i didnt want us to stop being friends and tear the group apart

 **somethingsparkly** : i thought it would be better if i just disappeared

 **takashitfuck** : allura the last thing i want is to see you in pain

 **takashitfuck** : i care about you a lot and it made me so worried to have been left out like that

 **takashitfuck** : you were my best friend

 **takashitfuck** : please dont ever think about doing something like that again

 **somethingsparkly** : im so sorry shiro

 **somethingsparkly:** im really really sorry

 **takashitfuck** : you dont have to apologize 

 **takashitfuck** : you know i'll always forgive you

 **somethingsparkly** : im fuckin crying now thanks takashitstain

 **takashitfuck** : ily 2

 **takashitfuck** : lets start over ok?

 **somethingsparkly** : ok

 **takashitfuck** : ok

 

_**shitpost central** _

_**hunkofgorgeous added trynadie, princessmonstertruck** _

_**trynadie changed their name to ann** _

_**princessmonstertruck changed their name to leslie** _

**teethrestrain:** finally

 **lemmesmash** : thank fuck

 **pidgeonator3000** : they even got their old parks and rec names back

 **pidgeonator3000** : man we havent seen those in a while 

 **hunkofgorgeous** : im glad everythings fixed :)

 **hunkofgorgeous** : i really dont like to see my friends fight :) so if you had continued i wouldve done something :) irreversible :)

 **ann** : i uh

 **leslie** : we'll keep that in mind hunk

 **hunkofgorgeous** : you better :)

 **lemmesmash** : anyway im gay as hell

 **teethrestrain** : what

 **lemmesmash** : i was at the dance studio and the guy that does spinning walked by and fuckin winked at me 

 **lemmesmash** : fuckin linda was the one to tell me and she was like ;) youve got an admirer ;) 

 **lemmesmash** : and i was like

 **lemmesmash** : me???? me??? somebodys checking ME out??

 **teethrestrain** : sighs audibly

 **pidgeonator3000** : its true i heard it from my room

 **lemmesmash** : hes just jealous bc i turned to see hot guy with the hot legs and we talked for a bit and i got his number

 **lemmesmash** : and he doesnt get any action!!

 **teethrestrain** : sighs even louder

 **pidgeonator3000** : ok but pics or it didnt happen

 **lemmesmash** : [spinnerman.jpg]

 **ann** : damn

 **matterbaby** : damn

 **leslie:** damn

 **hunkofgorgeous** : damn

 **pidgeonator3000** : damn

 **teethrestrain** : hes. not that cute

 **hunkofgorgeous** : r u blind or somethin

 **teethrestrain:** yeah lets go with that

 **matterbaby:** i mean youd expect keith kogayne king of the gays to find THAT delicious man attractive

 **ann:** im not even bothered by that

 **matterbaby:** oh u know ur the only one for me daddy ;)

 **pidgeonator3000:** EW EW EW EW EW

 **teethrestrain:** GROSS

 **hunkofgorgeous:** brb gonna go throw up now

 **leslie:** not surprised

 **lemmesmash:** why did you say that matt why

 **teethrestrain:** i never want to hear my brother being referred to as daddy ever ever ever again

 **matterbaby:** keith dont act so innocent

 **matterbaby:** we share a bathroom

 **matterbaby:** we all know you scream lakf fkhevbk ferfniufjinvevn 

 **pidgeonator3000:** I HEARD SCREAMING

 **pidgeonator3000:** KEITH KILLED MATT

 **ann:** should i go rescue him

 **leslie:** no grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the catfight

 **ann:** understandable

 **teethrestrain:** target status: deceased

 **lemmesmash:** ENEMY SPOTTED

 **lemmesmash:** anyway idk if i should text him :/

 **pidgeonator3000:** whats stopping you

 **lemmesmash:** um

 **lemmesmash:** nothing i guess

 **pidgeonator3000:** are you sure??????? about that????

 **lemmesmash:** hhhhhhh idk

 **teethrestrain:** i was at work and a girl tried to get my number

 **teethrestrain:** i was like "um............... im gay............."

 **teethrestrain:** she was like :O "im so sorry nevermind then"

 **teethrestrain:** but like ive never had to do that before ever

 **lemmesmash:** are you kidding me

 **teethrestrain:** what

 **pidgeonator3000:** here we go

 **lemmesmash:** girls AND guys are flirting with you all the time!!!! how do you NOT notice

 **lemmesmash:** remember when ron from english asked for your number to compare notes

 **teethrestrain:** he was flirting?

 **lemmesmash:** RON DOESN'T EVEN TAKE THAT CLASS

 **teethrestrain:** are you serious

 **lemmesmash:** Breaking News: Local Handsome Motherfucker Is Completely Unaware Of Any And All Romantic Advances

 **teethrestrain:** you think im handsome

 **lemmesmash:** THATS NOT THE POINT KEITH

 **hunkofgorgeous:** this is so entertaining

 **lemmesmash:** bet someone would propose to u and youd be like "oh so you kneel when you tie your shoes"

 **pidgeonator3000:** lBFVOWEORVUHEW

 **hunkofgorgeous:** at least its better than being in denial of a requited crush

 **lemmesmash:** huh

 **hunkofgorgeous:** nothing

 **lemmesmash:** anyway youre so dense keith

 **lemmesmash:** i could be flirting with you right now and you wouldnt even notice

 **leslie:** LOL

 **teethrestrain:** theres no way you would flirt with me

 **teethrestrain:** i mean we just became friends yesterday

 **lemmesmash:** you absolute fuckshitter

 **lemmesmash:** WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR LONGER

 **lemmesmash:** youre just dense, as aforementioned

 **teethrestrain:** so???

 **lemmesmash:** i mean,,,,, its not like i havent flirted with you before

 **teethrestrain:** what seriously

 **lemmesmash:** yeah

 **teethrestrain:** oh

 **teethrestrain:** when?

 **lemmesmash:** well,

_**hunkofgorgeous removed lemmesmash, teethrestrain** _

**hunkofgorgeous:** NOPE they deserve privacy

 **pidgeonator3000:** WHAT THE HELL HUNK IT WAS JUST GETTING GOOD

 **leslie:** THEY WERE ABOUT TO SMASH

 **ann:** KEITH WAS FINALLY GONNA LET LANCE SMASH

 **matterbaby:** BOOOOO

 **hunkofgorgeous:** youll thank me later

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you screaming?  
> because im screaming  
> stay tuned


	5. you klance see me

_**(lanceylance) forgetfulassBITCH >> (knifeman) ebonydarkness** _

**ebonydarkness:** and when you call me emo it's because you like that im passionate?

 **lemmesmash:** yes

 **ebonydarkness:** and you think that im interested in cryptids is cute and not lame?

 **lemmesmash:** the cutest

 **ebonydarkness:** so when you insult my hair its because you actually like it?

 **lemmesmash:** yes

 **ebonydarkness:** wait 

 **ebonydarkness:** so when we watched sharknado

 **ebonydarkness:** was that about me???

 **lemmesmash:** oh uh

**ebonydarkness: ?**

**lemmesmash:** look its already obvious i have a crush on you could you please not humiliate me any further

 **ebonydarkness:** what are you talking about

 **lemmesmash:** look i get it man you dont like me back its cool i can deal

 **lemmesmash:** i just

 **lemmesmash:** im trying not to freak out and panic and do what i tried to do after we watched that movie together

 **lemmesmash:** i dont want us to stop being friends ok

 **lemmesmash:** so its cool im cool we're cool

 **ebonydarkness:** and you call me dense

 **ebonydarkness:** im coming over

 **lemmesmash:** what?? 

 **ebonydarkness:** you heard me

 **ebonydarkness:** unlock your front door

 **lemmesmash:** ok ok

_**shitpost central** _

_**hunkofgorgeous added knifeman, lanceylance** _

_**hunkofgorgeous changed knifeman's name to teethrestrain** _

_**hunkofgorgeous changed lanceylance's name to lemmesmash** _

_(that next morning)_

**hunkofgorgeous:** [ _klance.jpg_ ]

 **hunkofgorgeous:** [ _klance2.jpg_ ]

 **hunkofgorgeous:** good morning everyone 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** the weather forecast for today is partly cloud with a surprisingly large chance of KLANCE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i went into lance's room to offer him breakfast and uh

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i found them like that

 **hunkofgorgeous:** all cuddled up and tucked in

 **pidgeonator3000:** fucking,,,,, FINALLY

 **pidgeonator3000:** god i thought they were never gonna get together these fucking clueless ass

 **pidgeonator3000:** hold on im gonna wake up shiro

 **pidgeonator3000:** lhflqiufhqiuFB JESUS CHRIST

 **pidgeonator3000:** UGH FUCKIN

 **pidgeonator3000:** I HATE BEING ALIVE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** were they naked

 **pidgeonator3000:** I DONT WANNA HAVE TO SEE MY BROTHER LIKE THAT

 **pidgeonator3000:** IM GONNA GO RINSE MY FUCKING EYES OUT WITH BLEACH IM SO

 **ann:** pidge please

 **ann:** we were wearing underwear

 **pidgeonator3000:** i dont CARE

 **ann:** whyd you bust into my room anyway

 **pidgeonator3000:** klance is canon

 **ann:** fucking finally

 **matterbaby:** klance is canon?

 **pidgeonator3000:** yes u absolute buffoon

 **leslie:** i heard klance

 **leslie:** canon?

 **pidgeonator3000:** canon

 **leslie:** understandable have a good day

 **lemmesmash:** could you all please stop fucking waking me up with this chat

 **teethrestrain:** yeah honestly lance's phone vibrated super loudly

 **leslie:** how would you know? ;)

 **lemmesmash:** bc we slept together

 **teethrestrain:** l An cE

 **lemmesmash:** relax keith its fine

 **lemmesmash:** we just finished sharknado and talked for a while

 **lemmesmash:** also we made out

 **teethrestrain:** lAnCE

 **lemmesmash:** youre a good kisser btw

 **teethrestrain:** l a n  ce 

 **lemmesmash:** cute hes blushing

 **teethrestrain:** how are you so calm about this???

 **lemmesmash:** honestly im still half asleep and in shock over the fact that we're together

 **lemmesmash:** tbh im just saying the first things that pop into my mind

 **lemmesmash:** you know your hair looks so pretty in the sunlight like that did i mention

 **leslie:** im so alive

 **leslie:** this makes me so happy

 **leslie:** you know who needs to know???

 **lemmesmash:** wait allura im awake now

_**leslie added esmeraldamcclain to the chat** _

_**esmeraldamcclain changed their name to baddestbitch** _

**baddestbitch:** aye whats good

 **baddestbitch:** back for a limited time only

 **leslie:** klance is canon

 **baddestbitch:** HELL YEAH

 **baddestbitch:** we poppin the BIGGEST BOTTLES tonight

 **lemmesmash:** esmeralda youre underage and you hate alcohol

 **baddestbitch:** you fool

 **baddestbitch:** we're drinking orange juice 

 **baddestbitch:** i mean i AM from florida

 **lemmesmash:** thats true

 **pidgeonator3000:** hi esme!!

 **baddestbitch:** GASP

 **baddestbitch:** [ _five heart emojis, six heart eyes emojis, a collage of flowers and sunshine, more hearts_ ]

 **baddestbitch:** HI PIDGE!!

 **teethrestrain:** hi esmeralda

 **baddestbitch:** omg its the most beautiful man in the world

 **baddestbitch:** hurt my brother just once and ill fly over there and kick your ass

 **baddestbitch:** ill fight shiro dont even test me

 **teethrestrain:** i

 **teethrestrain:** i wont

 **baddestbitch:** ill give you the complete shovel talk AND the navy seals copypasta later

 **teethrestrain:** ok

 **baddestbitch:** with that said im out

 **baddestbitch:** watch ur back keith

_**baddestbitch has left the chat** _

**lemmesmash:** i love my sister

 **ann:** did she just give my brother the shovel talk

 **lemmesmash:** yes

 **ann:** that reminds me

 **ann:** lance

 **lemmesmash:**...... yes.....?

 **ann:** we should talk later :)

 **lemmesmash:** hah aha aha ah hhahah im gonna die 

 **ann:** :)

 **teethrestrain:** but later

 **lemmesmash:** yeah we still have to finish some movies

 **teethrestrain:** :)

 **lemmesmash:** :)

 **pidgeonator3000:** ew

 **hunkofgorgeous:** youre so repulsed by everything a couple does in this chat

 **pidgeonator3000:** im not actually repulsed im just doing it to bug you guys

 **pidgeonator3000:** unless i fucking SEE MATT HALF NAKED with shiro

 **pidgeonator3000:** all i ask is no sexual nudity

 **pidgeonator3000:** please and thanks

 **leslie:** i think its cute

 **leslie:** and its about fucking time in my opinion

 **leslie:** and you talked everything out??

 **lemmesmash:** yes

 **teethrestrain:** yep

 **lemmesmash:** well actually

 **teethrestrain:**?

 **lemmesmash:** youre gonna kill me for this but

 **lemmesmash:** i actually do remember the bonding moment

**teethrestrain: _Y O U  W H A T_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was anticlimatic


	6. pidge and matt's day out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes quality sibling time is so good you almost end up in jail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by true events (but only the paintball gun part)
> 
> vegans do NOT interact

_**shitpost central** _

**pidgeonator3000:** IM SO FUCKING PISSED

 **pidgeonator3000:** i hate iverson SO MUCH

 **lemmesmash:** what happened pidgey??

 **pidgeonator3000:** he misgendered me today

 **pidgeonator3000:** which really wouldnt bother me if it was like somebody i had just met or something but i mean ive had him the entire year and weve talked abt this before

 **pidgeonator3000:** but then i fuckin told him i was like "umm,, it's 'they'" and then he fuckin

 **pidgeonator3000:** "ah well whatever its not like its real anyway"

 **lemmesmash:** hi where does he live by any chance

 **matterbaby:** im sorry pidgey

 **pidgeonator3000:** i feel shitty and also MAD

 **matterbaby:** :(

 **matterbaby:** hey

 **matterbaby:** lets hang out! i wanna cheer you up

 **matterbaby:** we havent hung out in a while

 **pidgeonator3000:** thats true

 **ann:** perhaps maybe it might be because you almost died last time

 **pidgeonator3000:** details

 **matterbaby:** lets get food and then wreak havoc yeah?

 **pidgeonator3000:** im down

 **lemmesmash:** theyre gonna die for real this time

 **hunkofgorgeous:** lance dont say that!!

 **hunkofgorgeous:** theyre probably just gonna get seriously injured

 **leslie:** or arrested

 **ann:** i fuckin hope not

_**(mattholt) satan >> (pidgey) devilchild** _

**satan:** *zoey 101 voice* are you ready?

 **devilchild:** _UWU_

 **satan:** im outside in the car we're riding drop top today

 **devilchild:** you borrowed alluras car

 **satan:** yeah she owed me a favor

 **devilchild:** do i wanna know

 **satan:** no, you dont

 **satan:** anyway what do u wanna eat

 **devilchild:** lets go to red lobster

 **satan:** wtf why red lobster

 **devilchild:** i feel like spreading chaos today and the lobster tank is calling my name

 **satan:** idk what you have in mind but im in

 **devilchild:** but first lets hit up petsmart we need a tank

 **satan:** KJHLAFHJAEFHJ

 **satan:** deadass?

 **devilchild:** deadass

_**shitpost central** _

**ann:** matt hasnt answered any of my messages

 **ann:** im actually concerned

 **lemmesmash:** can confirm hes pacing around the living room as we speak

 **teethrestrain:** yeah could u please not do that its distracting me from ignoring lance

 **lemmesmash:** but keeeeeeeithththth

 **teethrestrain:** no im NOT speaking to him

 **teethrestrain:** we had a BONDING MOMENT

 **teethrestrain:** i CRADLED YOU in my ARMS

 **teethrestrain:** YOU KNOW,

 **teethrestrain:** thats when i realized i had a HUGE thing for you????

 **teethrestrain:** and i was like "omg we're gonna get along so well now and maybe date"

 **teethrestrain:** and then u fuckin,

 **teethrestrain:** 'nope dont remember didnt happen'

 **teethrestrain:** WHY

 **teethrestrain:** you toyed with my feelings lance

 **lemmesmash:** baby im sorry

 **lemmesmash:** i lied bc i was scared ok

 **lemmesmash:** i was scared of acknowledging that i liked you more than i had cared to admit :(

 **lemmesmash:** bc i thought you hated me and so i figured i had to hate you too

 **lemmesmash:** i didnt wanna be crushing on someone that hated me

 **lemmesmash:** it was a pride thing

 **lemmesmash:** and it only made things worse :(

 **lemmesmash:** especially bc i ended up realizing i had a crush on u anyways

 **lemmesmash:** i wish i could take that back :( maybe we couldve gotten together a long time ago :(

 **teethrestrain:** shut up

 **lemmesmash:** :(

 **teethrestrain:** come here

 **lemmesmash:** YAY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** good content

 **lemmesmash:** [ _boyfriends.jpg_ ]

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i love how shiro is just pacing in the bg

 **pidgeonator3000:** [ _thegreatlobsterheist.mp4_ ]

 **matterbaby:** A SUCCESFUL ROBBERY

 **ann:** IM FUCKING

 **ann:** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

 **leslie:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **leslie:** YOU HAD THEM ON YOUR SHOULDERS

 **hunkofgorgeous:** PIDGE I CANT BELIEVE YOU STOLE A LOBSTER

 **hunkofgorgeous:** YOU SMASHED THE TANK AND GRABBED IT

 **ann:** MATT

 **ann:** HOW COULD U HAVE HELPED HER

 **leslie:** THE WAY HE JUST SWOOSHED BETWEEN THE LEGS OF THE WAITER

 **leslie:** and PICKED UP PIDGE as they UNDID the lobster bindings and USED THE FUCKING ANIMAL AS A WEAPON

 **hunkofgorgeous:** iconic line: "NOBODY MOVE OR YOU GET YOUR FINGERS SNIPPED OFF"

 **ann:** WHAT ARE U EVEN GONNA DO WITH A LIVE LOBSTER

 **pidgeonator3000:** [ _remy.jpg_ ]

 **pidgeonator3000:** i put remy in a tank

 **ann:** WHERE ARE YOU

 **pidgeonator3000:** on our way to the carnival

 **pidgeonator3000:** gonna hack into the intercom and 

 **pidgeonator3000:** wait give me some funny songs to play

 **leslie:** never gonna give u up

 **hunkofgorgeous:** its everday bro

 **ann:** NO SONG

 **lemmesmash:** fireflies by owl city

 **teethrestrain:** every time we touch by cascada

 **ann:** finally done making out you fucking teenagers

 **lemmesmash:** mmm not yet

 **pidgeonator3000:** gross

 **pidgeonator3000:** ill make a playlist

 **pidgeonator3000:** IM GONNA PUT IN A CODE THAT TURNS THE FERRIS WHEEL LIGHTS INTO A GIANT ROTATING PENIS

 **leslie:** PIDGE

 **ann:** NO

 **hunkofgorgeous:** THATD BE HILARIOUS IF YOU COULD PULL IT OFF

 **pidgeonator3000:** what do u mean IF of COURSE i can

 **pidgeonator3000:** ok here's the playlist

\- all star / smashmouth  
\- fireflies / owl city  
\- wii music / nintendo  
\- every time we touch but every time she says touch its replaced by a high-pitched 'fuck' / me  
\- never gonna give you up / rick astley  
\- it's everyday bro / jake paul

 **pidgeonator3000:** i suppose thatd be sufficient

 **hunkofgorgeous:** we love and appreciate you so much

 **pidgeonator3000:** thanks me too gtg sneak into the electrical for the carnival

 **pidgeonator3000:** if i dont check in intercept any cop car you can find

 **pidgeonator3000:** shiro please be on standby

 **ann:** [ _IGUESSMEME.jpg_ ]

 **hunkofgorgeous:** omg shay opened the letter i wrote her

 **leslie:** OMG the love letter for your anniversary?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** YES

 **hunkofgorgeous:** shes typing

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and typing

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh no what if she doesnt like it

 **leslie:** NONSENSE shay is totally head over heels for u

 **hunkofgorgeous:** u sure? i mean what if it was too mu

 **leslie:**?

 **leslie:**???

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im crying real tears right now

 **hunkofgorgeous:** [ _ILOVEMYWONDERFULGF.jpg_ ]

 **leslie:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im so in love with her i love her so so so so so much so so so much

 **leslie:** "and so i doubt itd be sufficient to say that i love you just as much, because there is no concrete measure, there is only the overwhelming and all-encompassing feeling of warmth and  _home_ that i feel when i am with you"

 **leslie:** your letter and shays response has me fuckin sobbing

 **leslie:** you two are just sp gfpoood 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im going over to her place

 **hunkofgorgeous:** god i wanna propose to her 

 **leslie:** OMG RLY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** honestly ive had these thoughts before 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** its times like these that really bring them to light again

 **hunkofgorgeous:** id die if she left me

 **leslie:** can i be a bridesmaid

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i dont know if ill propose to her soon

 **hunkofgorgeous:** but i do want to marry shay 

 **ann:** :')

 **ann:** thats very romantic hunk

 **ann:** i dont doubt shay will say yes

 **ann:** you two are very good for and to each other

 **hunkofgorgeous:** we try to be

_**(mattholt) satan >> (pidgey) devilchild** _

**satan:** alright im parked farthest end you better book it before carnival security shows up

 **devilchild:** drive's already been installed and is irremovable

 **devilchild:** just working on timing the Penis Wheel

 **devilchild:** imma set it for midnight, make it a big show

 **devilchild:** fuck it im announcing "a special ferris wheel show" on the intercom

 **satan:** thats my pidge

 **satan:** security is making a move pidge you better split

 **devilchild:** omw back

 **devilchild:** are people pissed at the music

 **satan:** i see a bunch of laughing thats for sure

 **devilchild:** hell yeah

_**shitpost central** _

**pidgeonator3000:** playlist and Schlong Code installed

 **pidgeonator3000:** everyone should park by the carnival to see the Special Ferris Wheel Show at midnight :)

 **ann:** oh god

 **pidgeonator3000:** we're not finished

 **pidgeonator3000:** we're hitting up iverson's next

 **ann:** PIDGE NO

 **ann:** YOURE GONNA GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE

 **pidgeonator3000:** if we're caught

 **leslie:** PIDGE why are you DOING THIS

 **pidgeonator3000:** a reckless disregard for my life and future

 **pidgeonator3000:** gtg reaching destination in t-10 seconds

 **ann:** PIDGE

**_(princessmonstertruck) alluring >> (pidgey) pidgepodge_  
**

**alluring:** you alright pidge?

 **pidgepodge:** idk tbh

 **alluring:** you wanna talk about it?

 **pidgepodge:** maybe later

 **alluring:** are you sure?

 **pidgepodge:** yeah ive gotta figure out what im gonna do to iverson's house

 **alluring:** you could get arrested pidge please be careful

 **pidgepodge:** dw im just gonna butter his front steps and shove remy through his doggy door

 **alluring:** tank and all?

 **pidgepodge:** tank and all

 **alluring:** sweet

 **alluring:** talk to me later ok?

 **pidgepodge:** ok

_**shitpost central** _

**lemmesmash:** so i heard there was gonna be a penis broadcast from the carnival ferris wheel and i want in

 **teethrestrain:** we should go see it at midnight

 **lemmesmash:** date?

 **teethrestrain:** date

 **matterbaby:** pidge and i just got back to the apartment

 **matterbaby:** she buttered iverson's front door, shoved remy tank and all through the doggy door, and jammed the doorbell so its always dinging

 **pidgeonator3000:** DING DONG DING DING, DING DING DONG

 **matterbaby:** then i took out a paintball gun i had in my closet from that one time we went to play and splattered red paint all over his windows

 **pidgeonator3000:** tbh lance film the giant rotating weiner im tired from todays chaos

 **pidgeonator3000:** i think im gonna hit the sack

 **teethrestrain:** damn you never sleep early

 **teethrestrain:** its barely 10

 **pidgeonator3000:** i robbed a red lobster, hijacked a carnival, and pranked my annoying professor

 **pidgeonator3000:** i think i deserve a good nights sleep

 **teethrestrain:** understandable have a good night

 **leslie:**?

 **leslie:** nvm

 **ann:**?

 **leslie:** dw about it

 **ann:** anyway matt what were you thinking indulging pidge on their antics???

 **matterbaby:** idk i wanted to make them feel better

 **matterbaby:** they didnt tell me what was up but i feel like it was more than just iversons little comment

 **matterbaby:** which btw has not been punished enough

 **ann:** agreed, but unsure how to proceed with further punishment

 **ann:** you think its somethin bad?

 **matterbaby:** they released a lot of stress at the waiters in red lobster

 **matterbaby:** i have a feeling its something private

_**(pidgey) pidgepodge >> (princessmonstertruck) alluring** _

**pidgepodge:** hey allura

 **pidgepodge:** can we talk now?

 **alluring:** of course pidgey

 **alluring:** whats on your mind?

 **pidgepodge:** well,


	7. my man elvis crespo with them clout goggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SUAVEMENTEEEEE,,, BESAMEE, QUE QUIERO SENTIR TUS LABIOS, BESANDOME OTRA VES
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPiEbYSF9kE

_**(princessmonstertruck) alluring >> (pidgey) pidgepodge** _

**alluring:** pidge literally nobody here thinks that

 **pidgepodge:** idk i just feel broken yknow?

 **alluring:** youre not broken pidge

 **pidgepodge:** but how can u know that??

 **alluring:** because humans dont break

 **alluring:** there is no right or wrong human

 **alluring:** you're not a robot pidge

 **alluring:** youre human

 **alluring:** and love doesnt equal sex

 **alluring:** its ok to not feel sexual attraction

 **alluring:** and if youre not sure you have plenty of time to figure it out yknow

 **pidgepodge:** i know its just frustrating not being sure

 **alluring:** i know

 **alluring:** but thats why im here!! vent to me babycakes

 **pidgepodge:** thanks lura

 **pidgepodge:** i really appreciate this

 **alluring:** literally any time

 **alluring:** tbh u can wake me up at 4 AM and be like "so like, i think i just saw bigfoot" and id still wake my ass up

 **alluring:** <3 <3 <3

 **pidgepodge:** <3 :D

_**shitpost central** _

_(that next day)_

**teethrestrain:** do u ever wake up and youre just like "man i feel so fuckin GAY today"

 **lemmesmash:** me but also not

 **teethrestrain:** understandable

 **teethrestrain:** wyd today??

 **lemmesmash:** im gonna teach the Ladies dance its salsa week and we're doing suavemente

 **lemmesmash:** my man elvis crespo with those clout goggles

 **teethrestrain:** is salsa the one with the hips

 **lemmesmash:** well there is a bit of hip movement, yes

 **teethrestrain:** i KNEW my gay was acting up for a reason

 **lemmesmash:** yknow ;) i wouldnt mind ;) having a partner to dance with ;)

 **hunkofgorgeous:** keith dont do it

 **teethrestrain:** wh

 **teethrestrain:** what why

 **hunkofgorgeous:** last time i tried to go with him and be his partner and i fucking died

 **teethrestrain:** woah were u ok

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yeah but i died

 **teethrestrain:** well i mean ive got a good amount of condition how bad can it be

 **hunkofgorgeous:** do u want white or red roses at your funeral

 **teethrestrain:** pfft

 **teethrestrain:** red

 **lemmesmash:** :D its a date then

 **lemmesmash:** youll get to meet the Ladies as well

 **ann:** hey guys uh

 **ann:** what do you do when your bf has food poisoning

 **hunkofgorgeous:** woah what matt has food poisoning?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** fuck and they went to red lobster, too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** what did he eat?

 **ann:** uh while throwing up he says just the biscuits and a chicken salad

 **leslie:** who goes to red lobster and only orders a chicken salad

 **ann:** idk matt maybe

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ok so its not seafood, good

 **hunkofgorgeous:** give him as much water as possible

 **hunkofgorgeous:** but NOT all at once

 **hunkofgorgeous:** light sips

 **lemmesmash:** omg i remember when i had food poisoning

 **lemmesmash:** he may develop an unhealthy addiction to saltine crackers, so

 **hunkofgorgeous:** NO saltine crackers give the boy a banana or bread or white rice

 **lemmesmash:** whatever leave me and my saladitas alone

 **hunkofgorgeous:** there are crumbs EVERYWHERE, LANCE

 **ann:** i have collected twelve (12) bottles of water

 **ann:** where can i get bananas

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ill bring u some

 **ann:** thanks hunk youre a lifesaver

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yeah i know

 **lemmesmash:** he really is

 **lemmesmash:** KEITH come over lets practice ill teach you the choreography

 **teethrestrain:** omw!

 **leslie:** has anyone seen pidge

 **teethrestrain:** theyre asleep 

 **leslie:** still asleep??

 **leslie:** well i guess we did talk pretty late last night

 **teethrestrain:** they said they were going to bed?

 **leslie:** nah we talked for a bit THEN they hit the sack at around 2

 **teethrestrain:** its 11 AM

 **pidgeonator3000:** hi im awake thanks for complaining about my sleep schedule keith ol buddy ol pal

 **teethrestrain:** you holts have terrible health habits

 **pidgeonator3000:** did he get food poisoning from red lobster

 **teethrestrain:** yeah howd u know

 **pidgeonator3000:** see i can talk to lobsters and even remy didnt wanna be there

 **teethrestrain:** wow

 **lemmesmash:** keeeeeeeiiiiitthhhh

 **teethrestrain:** im coming lemme put on a shirt

 **lemmesmash:** kk

 **pidgeonator3000:** i just left my room and keith is leaving and as i watch him go i predict lance will die in about 5 seconds

 **leslie:** source?

 **pidgeonator3000:** crop top, leggings

 **leslie:** oh shit

 **lemmesmash:** IM FUCKING GAY

 **pidgeonator3000:** told u

 **lemmesmash:** [ _hot.jpg_ ]

 **lemmesmash:** [ _evenhotter.jpg_ ]

 **lemmesmash:** [ _LEMMESMASH.jpg_ ]

 **lemmesmash:** [ _PLEASELEMMESMASHKEITH.jpg_ ]

 **lemmesmash:** im so lucky to be alive and in a relationship with this beautiful amazing gorgeous stunning captivating one of a kind man

 **teethrestrain:** id say likewise but youve locked yourself in the bathroom and youre crying please come out here

 **pidgeonator3000:** one for the history books folks

 **pidgeonator3000:** character info: lance mcclain  
traits: bisexual, in love with keith, good dancer  
fun facts! lance once cried because keith was so pretty

 **lemmesmash:** id complain but honestly thats true

 **lemmesmash:** brb gonna move all the furniture to practice

 **hunkofgorgeous:** hope u dont die keith

 **teethrestrain:** thanks me too

 **ann:** hes stopped throwing up now

 **ann:** im giving him water and put him in sweatpants and a t-shirt

 **ann:** well. theyre my clothes bc for some reason he doesnt have any clothes here? which is preposterous,

 **ann:** heres a pic bc hes the cutest

 **ann:** [ _sickbaby.jpg_ ]

 **leslie:** a good boy, a nice boy, a soft boy,

 **ann:** nvm i gave him a banana and he fuckin deep throated it

 **leslie:** showing off his skills

 **pidgeonator3000:** yet another thing i Never wanted to know abt my brother

 **pidgeonator3000:** why do yall gotta make things so sexual all the time

 **ann:** well its not like its on purpose it just happens

 **ann:** its a common, natural thing pidge, i mean

 **ann:** we can stop if it makes you uncomfortable?

 **pidgeonator3000:** no its just

 **pidgeonator3000:** idk it just feels like i cant have anything without it being sexual

 **ann:** hey its ok pidge

 **ann:** of course you can

 **ann:** just bc its natural doesnt mean not having it is unnatural

 **ann:** its common, its natural, but its not mandatory by any means

 **ann:** love without sex is totally real and just as valid as love with sex or sex without love yknow

 **pidgeonator3000:** oh

 **ann:** somethin on your mind pidgey?

 **ann:** yknow we're here for you right?

 **pidgeonator3000:** yeah its just

 **pidgeonator3000:** i think i might be ace?

 **ann:** ohhh i see

 **pidgeonator3000:** yeah its been on my mind lately

 **ann:** thats ok! thanks for telling us

 **leslie:** :D

 **ann:** we accept you

 **pidgeonator3000:** ik pls dont get cheesy

 **ann:** ok i erased my speech um

 **ann:** we love and support you and we can cut the sex talk any time ok?

 **pidgeonator3000:** u dont have to do that its fine

 **pidgeonator3000:** it made me a bit uncomfortable bc i felt like it was something at one point id HAVE to experience right

 **pidgeonator3000:** but i dont yknow

 **pidgeonator3000:** so its cool im cool we're cool

 **leslie:** cool

 **ann:** cool

 **pidgeonator3000:** cool

 **pidgeonator3000:** anyway i wanna see keith die

 **pidgeonator3000:** through dancing, of course

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i walked into the apartment after Delivering the Bananas and

 **hunkofgorgeous:** keith and lance are literally just

 **hunkofgorgeous:** the amount of sexual tension is making me uncomfortable i totally feel like im intruding im gonna go camp out at your place pidge

 **pidgeonator3000:** hell fuckin yeah lets play mario kart

 **hunkofgorgeous:** hell yeah

 **matterbaby:** hey HERES my phone

 **matterbaby:** wtf i wanna play mario kart

 **ann:** NO im making you rice youre too sick

 **matterbaby:** PLeeeEeEEEaeeaaaeease 

 **matterbaby:** i only really need three things to get better

 **ann:** and what are those

 **matterbaby:** love support and memes

 **ann:** fuck i give u all of those

 **matterbaby:** EXACTLY so that means im fine to play

 **matterbaby:** pleeeeeeaaaasssseeee

 **matterbaby:** promise i wont throw up on pidge

 **ann:** matt please im worried about you :(

 **matterbaby:** pleeeeeaaaaase shiro :'(

 **ann:** fine

 **matterbaby:** yay!

 **ann:** but ONLY if i can watch pidge annihilate you

 **pidgeonator3000:** HAHA

 **matterbaby:** betrayed

 **ann:** im bringing over six more water bottles and you BETTER drink all of them by the end of the day

 **matterbaby:** ily

 **ann:** ily2


	8. lemme salsa into your dms keith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it gets fucking cheesy

_**shitpost central** _

_**lemmesmash changed their name to elviscrespo** _

_**teethrestrain changed their name to ifuckingdied** _

**ifuckingdied:** u were right hunk

 **elviscrespo:** SUAVEMENTE

 **elviscrespo:** BESAMEEEE

 **ifuckingdied:** no dont u dare u fucking killed me on purpose lance

 **ifuckingdied:** i cant feel my god damn legs

 **ann:** keith you are Extensively trained in mma and you got weak from a bit of salsa dancing

 **ifuckingdied:** u wanna fucking test me shiro why dont YOU come over here to lance's and try and salsa dance with him for an entire hour

 **ifuckingdied:** i Will admit

 **ifuckingdied:** salsa dancing with lance is an experience

 **elviscrespo:** a good experience?

 **ifuckingdied:** if i described it properly it wouldnt be sfw

 **elviscrespo:** lemme salsa dance into ur dms keith

 **ifuckingdied:** if u salsa dance anywhere ill fucking die immediately

 **pidgeonator3000:** you two are so fucking weak for each other jfc

 **pidgeonator3000:** however

 **pidgeonator3000:** i bet eighteen billion dollars keith has yet to experience

 **pidgeonator3000:** lance singing

 **pidgeonator3000:** in spanish

 **ann:** please dont make lance come over and serenade keith

 **ifuckingdied:** wtf lance can sing

 **elviscrespo:** i wasnt thinking about serenading him shiro but now youve given me a glorious idea

 **leslie:** my boy, my gorgeous little man, is an AMAZING singer

 **leslie:** he sang for me one time to make me feel better and its a religious experience

 **leslie:** he sang mexicana hermosa for me one time and it was so sweet

 **ifuckingdied:** a religious experience u say?

 **ifuckingdied:** serenade me then

 **elviscrespo:** ok any requests? natalia lafourcade? my man elvis crespo? ricky martin?

 **pidgeonator3000:** sing the one you always sing in the car

 **elviscrespo:** wait the slow one

 **pidgeonator3000:** yeah

 **elviscrespo:** PIDGE its rly cheesy

 **pidgeonator3000:** well ur the cheese master so

 **elviscrespo:** fine

 **leslie:** send me the song pidge ill translate it for keith

**pidgeonator3000:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABLT6hdgEek>**

**ann:** um its been a few minutes is keith ok

 **hunkofgorgeous:** um i left my room and i hear crying? like sobbing

 **hunkofgorgeous:** muffled speaking

 **hunkofgorgeous:** more, wild crying

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im gonna hang out with pidge

 **hunkofgorgeous:** or im gonna start crying

 **leslie:** can u believe lance has won romance forever

 **pidgeonator3000:** idk i heard "amor" repeated so i felt like my contribution would be appropriate

 **leslie:** and u were correct

 **leslie:** no wonder keith is crying

 **leslie:** i sent him the translation just now

 **ifuckingdied:** lfjjfifiurgojwr im so gone

 **elviscrespo:** um we just finished crying

 **elviscrespo:** thanks pidge for making us cry

 **pidgeonator3000:** WTF u goobers u made youRSELVES cry

 **elviscrespo:** hi my name is lance and i love keith

 **ifuckingdied:** i started crying halfway through the song bc he just looked so

 **leslie:** ethereal?

 **ifuckingdied:** yeah exactly

 **elviscrespo:** and then i started crying bc he looked so happy

 **elviscrespo:** so i cried

 **elviscrespo:** and idk we were just like

 **ifuckingdied:** theres not much of a reason to describe it im sure they get the picture

 **hunkofgorgeous:** this is the kind of content i want to see more of

 **hunkofgorgeous:** lance taught me how to be romantic with shay

 **hunkofgorgeous:** he was like 'theres no guide on how to be romantic, you just have to tell her the truth and let yourself be vulnerable'

 **hunkofgorgeous:** 'theres so much love in your heart im sure all you need is knowing how to put it into words'

 **hunkofgorgeous:** so he taught me how to do that

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and it saved my fuckin life

 **pidgeonator3000:** gay

 **ann:** i know exactly why im crying in the club right now

 **ifuckingdied:** shiro please

 **matterbaby:** OUR LITTLE MAN

 **ann:** ALL GROWN UP AND

 **matterbaby:** BEING GUSHY

 **ifuckingdied:** IM NOT GUSHY

 **elviscrespo:** <3

 **ifuckingdied:** <3

 **ann:** this is the cutest thing ive ever seen

 **pidgeonator3000:** its definitely up there

 **leslie:** what have you seen thats cuter than these two gaylords

 **pidgeonator3000:** quite a few things

 **pidgeonator3000:** dogs

 **ann:** good point

 **pidgeonator3000:** in a heartbeat

 **leslie:** understandable

 **pidgeonator3000:** es

 **elviscrespo:** whats es

 **hunkofgorgeous:**?

 **pidgeonator3000:** sorry my phone died

 **pidgeonator3000:** tbh i dont remember what i was gonna write

 **matterbaby:** sniff sniff

 **pidgeonator3000:** wtf

 **matterbaby:** i smell bullshit

 **pidgeonator3000:** well i smell your dirty laundry and vomit you helpless sniveling toad

 **matterbaby:** thats my pidge

 **matterbaby:** anyway i feel much better now, been Resting Up

 **matterbaby:** i had my roommate kolivan bring over some clothes bc shiro insists i stay over for longer 

 **ann:** i have to make sure youre Really better

 **matterbaby:** tbh im not complaining

 **ann:** hi not complaining

 **matterbaby:** dont

**ann:** _I M  D A D_

**matterbaby:** daddy

 **hunkofgorgeous:** STOOOOOOPPP

 **pidgeonator3000:** EWWWW

 **leslie:** GROSS

 **elviscrespo:** NASTY ASS

 **ifuckingdied:** FUCKING

 **ann:** why matt

 **matterbaby:** well you've never complained before

**pidgeonator3000:** _S T O P  T H I S  B U L L_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translation of tu si sabes quererme lyrics : http://lyricstranslate.com/en/t%C3%BA-s%C3%AD-sabes-quererme-you-know-how-love-me.html#comments
> 
> this was unfortunately short but my summer reading assignment is forcing me to finish it, so


	9. lotor's gorgeous gals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they can punch me in the throat and i'd let them  
> (not that i could stop them in the first place)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (flipmyshit) justkillhim >> zethrid  
> (localbaddie) budgetcalculator >> acxa  
> (trapeezegirl15) nyoomnyoom >> ezor  
> (icantfuckingsee) nya >> narti  
> (lotorbullshit) lotoreal >> lotor

_**(lotorbullshit) littlegoblinman >> (lanceylance) hipsdontlie** _

**hipsdontlie:** lotor for the last time i have a boyfriend

 **littlegoblinman:** Lance,

 **littlegoblinman:** all I'm saying is that I could treat you so much better.

 **hipsdontlie:** look lotor

 **hipsdontlie:** the only reason im not telling keith youre still trying to get in my pants is because he would surely go beat you up and i dont want there to be a clique war ok

 **hipsdontlie:** and honestly, you slimy gremlin,

 **hipsdontlie:** i sincerely doubt you could treat me better with underhanded tactics and bitter compliments

 **hipsdontlie:** so please stop texting me

 **littlegoblinman:** Fine.

 **littlegoblinman:** Though, if you ever grow tired of his draining emo demeanor, I'm always here ;)

 **hipsdontlie:** never insult keith again

_**You are no longer allowed to send messages to this number.** _

_**_** _

_**suicidal Thots** _

**nya:** Country Jim tells tales of endless depression.

 **lotoreal:** thats the most ominous thing i have ever heard you say, ever

 **nya:** Yes.

 **budgetcalculator:** i love country jim

 **budgetcalculator:** tumblr and instagram just sound so much better in his soothing robotic voice

 **justkillhim:** country jim is an honorable man

 **lotoreal:** ugh i hate lance

 **nya:** What has he done to reject you now?

 **nyoomnyoom:** hi! im back from gymnastics! what did i miss :)

 **budgetcalculator:** lotor got rejected by lance once again

 **nyoomnyoom:** ohhhh the one with the scruffy hair and the feminine hips?

 **lotoreal:** hes beautiful and i want him

 **justkillhim:** id offer to kidnap him for you but i have a feeling that wouldnt be right :/

 **justkillhim:** idk might be the chip acxa installed in my brain though

 **budgetcalculator:** for the last time zethrid i didnt install a chip in your sleep

 **justkillhim:** thats what the government WANTS you to think

 **nya:** Hasn't he rejected you six times now?

 **lotoreal:** :( yes

 **lotoreal:** screenshots

 **lotoreal:** [ _AGONY.jpg_ ]

 **budgetcalculator:** lotor your harassing the poor guy at this point

 **nyoomnyoom:** i agree lotor i think it's time to let him go :(

 **lotoreal:** ughhgghghghhghg but hes so hot and delicious and funny and his laugh is so gorgeous

 **lotoreal:** i want him SO much

 **nya:** Perhaps what we want is not necessarily what we need, Lotor.

 **nya:** And what you need is to stop harassing this guy.

 **nya:** Also, I'm fucking starving.

 **justkillhim:** NARTI

 **nya:** Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

 **budgetcalculator:** you forget from the speech-to-text feature with proper grammar that narti is perhaps the funniest out of all of us

 **budgetcalculator:** and she does it on purpose too bc she talks in a completely monotone way as well when shes joking around

 **budgetcalculator:** i live with her and shes constantly just spewing pure comedy gold everywhere she goes

 **nyoomnyoom:** babe im home do you want me to start setting up the roku for movie night

 **budgetcalculator:** sure

 **nya:** I want pizza.

 **nya:** Can we order pizza?

 **nyoomnyoom:** hell yeah

 **justkillhim:** i want in

 **lotoreal:** can we do face masks

 **nya:** Only if they smell good.

 **nya:** I'm sick of your stinky Mario Badescu products. Who even is Mario and why does he bully my son Luigi?

 **lotoreal:** im gonna fucking die

 **nya:** Not until you answer my question you insolent fool.

 **nya:** Why is it not the Luigi Bros.? Why is it the Mario Bros.? 

 **nya:** Why?

 **nya:** My boy has spent too long in his brother's shadow, and I plan to break him out.

 **justkillhim:** i love u narti

 **nya:** Love doesn't pay my bills.

 **nyoomnyoom:** REKT

 **lotoreal:** well that was SCATHING narti

 **budgetcalculator:** the girl knits you a sweater of tears

 **nyoomnyoom:** and you kill her

 **nya:** It's summer.

 **nya:** I've got my hat on backwards and I'm ready to fucking party.

 **nya:** Immediately hits head on garage door.

 **budgetcalculator:** narti please get your evil feline of doom and destruction AWAY from my setup

 **nya:** There's no reason for Lilac to be curious about your computer.

 **nya:** I can't even see your setup and I know it's not impressive.

 **lotoreal:** ANOTHER ONE

 **nya:** I'm starving so I'm sorry if I'm being irritable.

 **nya:** Though I'd say it's better than being constantly thirsty like Lotor.

 **nyoomnyoom:** DAMN

 **budgetcalculator:** im dying quirtle

 **nya:** Get me my pizza Now.

 

_**(lanceylance) fucker >> (knifeman) miamor**  
_

**fucker:** im so pressed

 **miamor:** whats wrong

 **fucker:** lotor kept trying to get in my pants

 **fucker:** so i told him that i wasnt interested and that i was with u

 **fucker:** so he insulted u and then i blocked him

 **fucker:** nobody insults My Man™ 

 **miamor:** thats sweet

 **miamor:** where does lotor live again

 **fucker:** idk tbh ive never seen or been to his house i always just assumed he slept in a cave upside down like all other bloodsucking creatures

 **miamor:** good one

 **fucker:** i love you

 **miamor:** thanks

**fucker: :/**

**miamor:** jk jk i love u too

 **fucker:**!!!!!!!  <3

 **fucker:** come over

 **miamor:** dont gotta tell me twice

_**suicidal Thots** _

**nyoomnyoom:** ohohohohoho lotooooorrrr

 **lotoreal:** what

 **nyoomnyoom:** ok so i know lance blocked u on snapchat but i added him

 **nyoomnyoom:** anddddd he posted a pic of him and his boyfriend

 **nyoomnyoom:** i ss it but honestly i dont care if he noticed

 **budgetcalculater:** apart from swinging from actual ceilings, thats the riskiest thing ive ever heard

 **nyoomnyoom:** [ _unphotogenicaf.jpg_ ]

 **nyoomnyoom:** hes lowkey ugly but also not

 **budgetcalculator:** it was probably just taken at a bad angle

 **lotoreal:** i want. to destroy him

 **justkillhim:** normally id be all for that

 **justkillhim:** but narti fell asleep on me so im not accepting house calls right now

 **budgetcalculator:** can confirm. cutest thing ive ever seen

 **lotoreal:** why does that emo, mullet-growing, bad color scheme-having pleb get lance and i,

 **lotoreal:** the most handsome and chivalrous man in the world,

 **lotoreal:** get nothing??

 **nyoomnyoom:** might have something to do with the fact that you never leave him alone, ever

 **nyoomnyoom:** not to be a jerk here but what else do u know about him other than his hips and the rest of his appearance??

 **budgetcalculator:** ezors got a point

 **nyoomnyoom:** <3

 **budgetcalculator:** <3

 **lotoreal:** i guess youre right

 **nyoomnyoom:** i know i am

 **lotoreal:** wont stop me from trying to fight his my chemical romance ass as soon as i see him though

 **budgetcalculator:** oh god

 **justkillhim:** noah fence lotor but i feel like he could crush you

 **justkillhim:** and even if he couldnt, allura could

 **lotoreal:** ugh dont remind me

 **lotoreal:** i cant believe i oh so kindly did his little sisters hair at allura's request only to be rejected time and time again

 **nyoomnyoom:** sighs 

 **budgetcalculator:** theres just no getting through to him

**_shitpost central_ **

**ifuckingdied:** ummm

 **ann:**??

 **ifuckingdied:** lotor just texted me

 **ifuckingdied:** idk how he got my number but

 **ifuckingdied:** [ _whatthefuck.jpg_ ]

 **ifuckingdied:** he fucking challenged me to a fight?

 **elviscrespo:** i cant believe this

 **leslie:** keith 

 **leslie:** since this presumably has nothing to do with me

 **leslie:** i want you to go out there and kick his ass for me

 **leslie:** can you do that. please. please

 **ann:** NO keith is not getting into any more fights

 **ann:** i dont want him to get arrested

 **pidgeonator3000:** do it u chicken

 **matterbaby:** keith's a chicken

 **ifuckingdied:** im not doing it bc i dont wanna be a chicken im doing it to defend my boyfriends honor

 **elviscrespo:** AWWWW BABE

 **ifuckingdied:** also its gonna be so satisfying

 **ann:** dont DO IT keith u absolute buffoon

 **ifuckingdied:** too late already said yes

 **elviscrespo:** ok but please dont die

 **ifuckingdied:** im gonna annihilate him

 **pidgeonator3000:** GO KEITH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> acxa built a sorta bluetooth earpiece speech-to-text device for narti since shes a computer engineer  
> narti enjoys the "read text posts in a mechanical voice" feature bc the voice has a country accent  
> they call him jim the cowboy and his tumblr account


	10. [B]ONELESS ASS WHOOPING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *ding ding* EMO ANGSTY MCR WANNABE VS. GREASY MAN-BUN WHINY MAN BABY
> 
> BEGIN!

_**(lotorbullshit) garbage >>  (knifeman) greaseman** _

**greaseman:** im pullin up to the dennys now

 **greaseman:** get ready for a BONELESS ASS WHOOPING

 **garbage:** A what now?

 **greaseman:** im gonna kick ur ass buddy

_**(trynadie) fucklord >> (knifeman) littleshit** _

**fucklord:** just letting u know i dont approve of this ever at all

 **fucklord:** but remember to block, always, u impulsive fuck

 **fucklord:** have fun be safe kick his ass i dont condone fighting

**_shitpost central_ **

**elviscrespo:** im worried for my mans

 **elviscrespo:** he hasnt answered

 **elviscrespo:** should we roll up to the dennys and check on them?

 **leslie:** i wanna beat lotor's ass too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** they might want snacks :/

 **elviscrespo:** theyre at a dennys

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yeah and keith is piss poor

 **elviscrespo:** good point

 **ann:** are we gonna go see the fight

 **matterbaby:** oh NOW you wanna see our son fight?

 **pidgeonator3000:** never say that again matt, ever

 **matterbaby:** shut up u absolute walnut

 **matterbaby:** lets wear hoodies and sunglasses and roll up in allura's convertible #squad

 **elviscrespo:** only if theyre clout goggles

 **matterbaby:** issa plan

 **pidgeonator3000:** im down

 **ann:** sighs forever

 **ann:** ill get my clout goggles :/

 **leslie:** dont act like u dont like them

 **ann:** :/ fine

_**suicidal Thots** _

**nyoomnyoom:** we havent heard from lotor since he went to go fight keith

 **nya:** A head ass.

 **justkillhim:** look im all for murder but i Dont know how to deal with the law, so

 **budgetcalculator:** im not digging him out of this mess

 **budgetcalculator:** besides keith is, dont tell lotor, more skilled in close range

 **budgetcalculator:** hes... gonna kick his ass

 **justkillhim:** i dunno lotors agile he might win

 **budgetcalculator:** keith could break both his arms and hed find a way to hook you

 **nyoomnyoom:** how do u know so much about keith

 **budgetcalculator:**??? hes my cousin

 **nya:** What the everloving fuck

 **justkillhim:** holy shit

 **nyoomnyoom:** BREH

 **budgetcalculator:** what

 **justkillhim:** we should roll up to the fight so u can b like "hey keith"

 **nya:** In an emo voice, hey Acxa

 **nyoomnyoom:** he might need backup

 **budgetcalculator:** this is lotors fight

 **budgetcalculator:** though it would be entertaining

 **nyoomnyoom:** ill drive

_an hour and a half later_

_**shitpost central** _

**elviscrespo:** keith is staying the night at my place

 **ann:** wtf hes hurt why

 **elviscrespo:** because i am his MANS and i want to nurse him back 2 health

 **elviscrespo:** besides its just a black eye and his knuckles

 **leslie:** i have never lived until this day

 **hunkofgorgeous:** that one dennys employee that went to take out the trash, went back in, and brought out mozzarella sticks for the fight

 **pidgeonator3000:** big mood

 **matterbaby:** who was the one with the high ass ponytail i fucking loved her earrings

 **elviscrespo:** her name is ezor and i think shes cool but she hates me

 **elviscrespo:** keith is lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling

 **elviscrespo:** i love him!!!!!!!!!!!! hes so handsome

 **elviscrespo:** tbh i regret letting him fight :/ my baby is in pain

 **leslie:** knew he would win tho

 **pidgeonator3000:** how does he know acxa btw

 **ann:** we're cousins

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WTF THE FUCK i thought you were from texas 

 **ann:** we lived in texas for a while, sure, but we came back when our dad died

 **ann:** tbh i didnt know she was friends with lotor

 **pidgeonator3000:** i wanna hear keith say yaint just once

 **elviscrespo:** were on the couch and i put ice on his eye

 **elviscrespo:** im so proud of my mans i wanna give him 18 BILLION kisses

 **ifuckingdied:** do it 

 **ifuckingdied:** u chicken

 **elviscrespo:** KEEEITHH youre not supposed to use ya phone it can hurt ur vision :(

 **ifuckingdied:** fine

 **ann:** hey matt are you gonna stay over

 **matterbaby:** i see absolutely no reason as to why i wouldnt stay over, ever

 **ann:** sweet

_**suicidal Thots** _

**nya:** I will forever cherish the moment Lotor shrieked like a banshee and yelled "My nose!"

 **justkillhim:** i wanna set it ass my ringtone

 **budgetcalculator:** i saw this coming from the moment you expressed distaste for keith

 **lotoreal:** why do u all hate me

 **nyoomnyoom:** we dont hate you youre just

 **nyoomnyoom:** we dont even know whats wrong with you

 **lotoreal:** he stole my man

 **nya:** He was never your man to begin with.

 **nya:** Also, shout out to the Denny's employee who brought out the mozzarella sticks.

 **nya:** They took my order... and my heart.

 **justkillhim:** ok ngl allura is pretty af

 **lotoreal:** do NOT even think about it she is evil.... a snake.........

 **budgetcalculator:** bc she threw sand in your face when u were kids

 **lotoreal:** and shes HATED ME ever since

 **nyoomnyoom:** lotor you are a 26 year old man Please behave

 **lotoreal:** youre telling ME to behave 

 **budgetcalculator:** yes she is 

 **lotoreal:** >:( 

 **nyoomnyoom:** HA

 **nyoomnyoom:** thanks bb

 **budgetcalculator:** <3

 **justkillhim:** do we take him to a doctor or

 **budgetcalculator:** i suppose so

 **budgetcalculator:** lets go

_**(localbaddie) acxa >> (knifeman) emoboy69** _

**acxa:** nice job today

 **emoboy69:** lol thx

 **acxa:** ill make sure to try and keep lotor in his lane

 **emoboy69:** please do

_**(mattholt) loveofmylife >> (trynadie) mysoulmate** _

**mysoulmate:** still in the bathroom?

 **loveofmylife:** yeah 

 **loveofmylife:** i love ur cologne can i keep it

 **mysoulmate:** what why

 **loveofmylife:** bc it smells like you

 **mysoulmate:** youre gonna fucking kill me matt

 **loveofmylife:** i loooooooovvvvvvee u

 **mysoulmate:** you know what

 **loveofmylife:**??

 **mysoulmate:** you should move in

 **loveofmylife:** holy shit what

 **mysoulmate:** i mean unless you dont want to but

 **mysoulmate:** i mean you come over all the time and i have the master bedroom and theres plenty of space for your stuff

 **mysoulmate:** i wanna wake up with you all the time

 **loveofmylife:** holy shit shiro

 **loveofmylife:** i mean there is NO ISSUE with me absolutely none zip zero zilch i would LOVE to live with u 

 **loveofmylife:** my only concern is the gremlin, the goblin, the evil little troll

 **mysoulmate:** pidge will be fine

 **mysoulmate:** we dont actually disgust them 

 **mysoulmate:** they love us even if they show it with false hatred

 **loveofmylife:** ok then

 **loveofmylife:** yeah!!! id love to move in

 **mysoulmate:** <33333333333333 and hey maybe,,, maybe maybe,,, in the future we can get our own apartment ;)

 **loveofmylife:** ;) ;) 

 **loveofmylife:** i love you

 **mysoulmate:** i love you too

 **loveofmylife:** LIGHT OF MY LIFE,

 **mysoulmate:** dont

 **loveofmylife:** FIRE IN MY LOINS

 **mysoulmate:** ew i hate the word loins

_**(lanceylance) fucker >> (knifeman) miamor** _

**fucker:** hey

 **fucker:** you still awake?

 **miamor:** yeah whats up

 **fucker:** yknow you looked so hot while fighting lotor

 **miamor:** yeah?

 **fucker:** but i dont like to see u hurt :( it breaks my heart

 **miamor:** i wanted to kick his ass for bothering you

 **fucker:** i know babe

 **fucker:** and i love u for that

 **fucker:** but youre injured and i dont want u to get hurt anymore ok??

 **fucker:** if we need to fight lets do it together 

 **miamor:** ok

 **fucker:** my concern for your health and safety aside

 **fucker:** you looked SO fucking hot i was so turned on

 **miamor:** seriously?? 

 **fucker:** fuck yeah 

 **fucker:** i kinda wanna make out w u right now actually

 **miamor:** do it

 **miamor:** u chicken

 **fucker:** kk

_**(hunkydory) mysunshine >> (lanceylance) mymoon** _

**mysunshine:** lance i really dont want to embarrass you or anything but could you PLEASE keep it down with keith over there

 **mysunshine:** please im trying to sleep this is so awkward

 **mymoon:** i would but im a bit busy right now

 **mysunshine:** oh my god i can tell

 **mymoon:** gtg hunk texting w one hand is hard

 **mysunshine:** wh

 **mysunshine:** LANCE EW


	11. the rumor come out: does pidge holt is gay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek how im gonna pull this off tbh
> 
> *narrator voice* and thats how tori knew  
> she fucked up
> 
> esme is not a main character dont b confused

**_(esmeraldamcclain) secretsquirrel >> (pidgey) funkytechnomusic_ **

**secretsquirrel:** so i am TOTALLY psyched for spring break my moms letting me visit thank FUCK

 **funkytechnomusic:** HELL YEAH we're gonna have so much fuckin fun

 **secretsquirrel:** are we gonna hack into the pentagon again

 **funkytechnomusic:** lets incriminate some people

 **secretsquirrel:** FUCK YEAH

 **secretsquirrel** :im glad we stayed friends 

 **funkytechnomusic:** me too!! we should definitely skype more often :D

 **funkytechnomusic:** speaking of skype

 **funkytechnomusic:** hows the gf??

 **secretsquirrel:** oh!! maria is great honestly i love her

 **secretsquirrel:** only issue is how we're gonna keep this going

 **secretsquirrel:** her parents are pretty against the idea of their girl datin another girl, so

 **secretsquirrel:** i know it sounds bad, but

 **secretsquirrel:** at this point im waiting for them to find out

 **funkytechnomusic:** wdym

 **secretsquirrel:** ugh its so complicated to explain but like

 **secretsquirrel:** i do want to stay in a relationship w her but her parents are so strict i just know its not gonna happen

 **secretsquirrel:** but i dont wanna break up? 

 **secretsquirrel:** but if i dont we're gonna get caught and she might get in a LOT of trouble

 **funkytechnomusic:** i see

 **funkytechnomusic:** im sorry to hear that

 **funkytechnomusic:** i know she means a lot to you

 **secretsquirrel:** i do care about her a lot

 **secretsquirrel:** but

 **funkytechnomusic:** but?

 **secretsquirrel:** this is gonna sound so terrible i just know it

 **secretsquirrel:** but i just wanna hold hands with her and kiss her and be with her and i cant

 **secretsquirrel:** everything's so hush hush its killing me

 **secretsquirrel:** idk if i should just give up or

 **funkytechnomusic:** ive never been in a situation like that so i dont really know what to say

 **funkytechnomusic:** i guess just talk to her? tell her how youre feeling?

 **funkytechnomusic:** i dont know im not very good at this

 **secretsquirrel:** thats fine dont worry

 **secretsquiirel:** ill just ask lance see what he says

 **funkytechnomusic:** you might get better luck there

 **secretsquirrel:** i hope so

 **secretsquirrel:** thanks pidge! for listening and being here for me

 **secretsquirrel:** youre an amazing friend <3

 **funkytechnomusic:** <333333

_**(pidgey) fuckingremlin >> (knifeman) sasukewannabe** _

**fuckingremlin:** keith i want to fuckin die

 **sasukewannabe:** now what

 **fuckingremlin:** UGH i just,,,,,, idk 

 **sasukewannabe:** is it that thing u cant tell me abt

 **fuckingremlin:** yeah i just

 **fuckingremlin:** i DO wanna tell u im just

 **fuckingremlin:** theres no way itll help me or you or anyone or antyhing

 **fuckingremlin:** im not even gonna fix that typo

 **fuckingremlin:** idk i just talk to her all the time and shes having romance issues rn and i just

 **fuckingremlin:** i hate being alive

 **sasukewannabe:** i wish i could help u but idk wtf youre talking abt

 **fuckingremlin:** its fine venting helps anyway

 **sasukewannabe:** glad my brief responses could help

 **fuckingremlin:** <3

_**shitpost central** _

**pidgeonator3000:** what are all these fuckin boxes doing here

 **pidgeonator3000:** who ordered all this shit on amazon

 **pidgeonator3000:** god it looks like someones moving in

 **ann:** uhhh

 **pidgeonator3000:** now see i said that with the assumption that you all would laugh it off

 **pidgeonator3000:** obviously amused by the idea of letting someone move in with us

 **pidgeonator3000:** namely my brother, matthew,

 **pidgeonator3000:** without consulting me, who also lives here 

 **pidgeonator3000:** with that being said, if you were to laugh now would be the right time

 **pidgeonator3000:** if not, and you really did decide to let matt move in,

 **pidgeonator3000:** i'll be in my room, continuing to have the worst day of my entire life

 **matterbaby:** surprise!!!!!

 **ann:** pidge please dont be mad

 **ann:** pidge

 **ann:** please answer

 **ifuckingdied:** you shoulve at least told them beFORE they woke up

 **ifuckingdied:** theyre upset theyre not answering my messages

 **ann:** pidge

 **leslie:** ill talk to them

 **leslie:** or i'll try, at least

 **ifuckingdied** : look lets just let them be alone right now they have a right to privacy

**_(pidgey) fuckingremlin >> (knifeman) sasukewannabe_ **

**fuckingremlin** : i think i might have a thing for esmeralda

 **sasukewannabe** : B R U H

 **sasukewannabe** : you

 **sasukewannabe** : I 

 **fuckingremlin** : i wanna die

 **fuckingremlin** : keith idk what to do what do i do

 **sasukewannabe** : THATS whats been bothering u

 **fuckingremlin** : YES keith please idk what to do im like......... im not good....... at feelings

 **sasukewannabe** : well shit pidge neither am i 

 **fuckingremlin** : i mean its not like i can tell lance

 **sasukewannabe** : he'd skin u

 **fuckingremlin** : keith im gonna die

 **sasukewannabe** : youre not gonna die

 **sasukewannabe** : i mean you will! but not now

 **fuckingremlin** : thanks 

 **fuckingremlin** : promise. u wont say. a single word

 **fuckingremlin** : im gonna stay off the gc for now bc i feel like shit

 **sasukewannabe** : what about matt moving in?

 **fuckingremlin** : you know i dont actually care this will be wonderful for pranking opportunities

 **sasukewannabe** : theres the pidge i know and tolerate

**_shitpost central_ **

**ann** : we finished settling in all of matts things

 **matterbaby** : shiros bedroom looks much nicer now

 **ann** : you mean Our bedroom

 **matterbaby** : OMG yes our bedroom

 **leslie** : this is the cutest thing ive ever seen

 **hunkofgorgeous** : hey im worried about pidge

 **hunkofgorgeous** : theyre not answering my messages and ill assume yours either

 **matterbaby** : total silence

 **matterbaby** : i knocked on their door and i just heard shuffling and a very hoarse go away

 **matterbaby** : shiro what if they dont want me here :( we shouldve told them

 **ann** : i feel so guilty

 **elviscrespo** : whats this i hear abt pidge??

 **leslie** : theyre not answering our messages

 **leslie** : i hope they feel better :/ i dont like seeing them upset

 **elviscrespo** : wtf pidge is upset??

 **elviscrespo** : why??

 **ann** : we think it might be because w  didnt talk to them abt matt moving in

 **ann** : but we're not sure

 **sasukewannabe** : they told me theyre keeping out of the gc just takin a breather

 **matterbaby** : it was definitely our fault shiro

 **matterbaby** : i shouldve asked pidge first :(

 **ann** : its ok babe we'll work this out

 **leslie** : WAIT they answered

 **ann** : so what happened?

 **leslie** : they say theyre 

 **leslie** : omg

 **leslie** : nevermind

 **hunkofgorgeous** : i have. a hunch, an intuition,

 **hunkofgorgeous** : but im not sure

 **leslie** : hunk dm me

 **hunkofgorgeous** : kk

 **elviscrespo** : ?

 **sasukewannabe** : ,,,,

 **elviscrespo** : what do you know keith

 **elviscrespo** : im concerned abt pidge 

 **pidgeonator3000** : ugh fine im back

 **pidgeonator3000** : since you guys wont let me take my depression nap in peace

 **elviscrespo** : whats wrong pidge

 **ann** : were worried

 **matterbaby** : im sorry id didnt talk to u abt moving in :( its not fair keith knew and you didnt :(

 **pidgeonator3000** : matt im not even mad about that you KNOW im gonna take full advantage of your constant presence in my home to steal ur money and fill ur pillowcase with live scorpions

 **matterbaby** : theres my pidge

 **pidgeonator3000** : look this is gonna sound super stupid but 

 **pidgeonator3000** : i think i might have a crush on someone? 

 **leslie** : its not stupid!!

 **matterbaby** : BRUH

 **pidgeonator3000** : it sucks dont make it worse

 **elviscrespo** : omg pidge WHO

 **pidgeonator3000** : it doesnt matter

 **hunkofgorgeous** : do we know them??? omg pidge

 **sasukewannabe** : pidge u ok?

 **pidgeonator3000** : yeah we know them

 **pidgeonator3000** : anyway idk im interested in them but idk i just

 **pidgeonator3000** : like rn theyre having relationship problems but idk how to help them without feeling like im doing it for selfish reasons

 **elviscrespo** : wait what

 **ann** : pidge its ok 

 **matterbaby** : everythings gonna be fine pidge

 **pidgeonator3000** : i wanna DIE

 **hunkofgorgeous** : when i realized i liked shay she was dating another guy!! and i felt rly bad because shed complain and id agree but i felt like i was being a bad friend bc i thought my advice came from a place of wanting her to be with me instead

 **hunkofgorgeous** : so i just did the logical thing and waited

 **hunkofgorgeous** : i wanted to be respectful, thats what was most important to me, so i gave her time to get over it and i made sure to be a friend first

 **hunkofgorgeous** : because relationship or not we're still friends and she trusts me, and the last thing id want is to hurt her

 **matterbaby** : hunk youre a god amongst men

 **elviscrespo** : WAIT GUYS

 **elviscrespo** : close to you?

 **elviscrespo** : we know them?

 **elviscrespo** : relationship issues?

 **pidgeonator3000** : fuck

 **pidgeonator3000** : so shes talked to you huh

 **matterbaby** : whats going on

 **elviscrespo** : YOU

 **ann** : lance??

 **elviscrespo** : YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON MY SISTER???

 **matterbaby** : O FUCK

 **hunkofgorgeous** : PIDGE??

**_pidgeonator3000 has left the chat_ **

**sasukewannabe** : NICE

 **sasukewannabe** : REAL NICE GUYS

 **sasukewannabe** : YAINT SHIT FOR SUPPORT


	12. love and support and being a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know they had to do it to em

**_(lanceylance) shitlord >> (pidgey) walkingfunkopop_ **

**shitlord:** PIDGE HOLT ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW

 **shitlord:** PIDGE

 **shitlord:** CMON PIDGE

 **shitlord:** IM NOT MAD I JUST WANNA TALK

 **shitlord:** PIDGE PLEASE ANSWER

**_(lanceylance) fucker >> (knifeman) miamor_ **

**fucker:** theyre not answering

 **fucker:** im so

 **miamor:** can u blame them?? you totally blew up in the gc

 **fucker:** i cant believe you knew!!!! and u didnt tell me

 **miamor:** how pidge feels towards esmeralda is none of our business

 **fucker:** ugh i KNOW but thats my sister,, shes like,,,

 **miamor:** look lance i get it

 **miamor:** you cant imagine one of your friends dating a family member, thats fine, i understand

 **miamor:** but its not something you can control and its not something you have a right to agree to

 **miamor:** its just something you have to accept

 **miamor:** besides, how pidge feels towards her isnt the focus right now

 **miamor:** pidge put a lot of trust in us to come forward and even mention their romantic feelings because its not something theyve done before

 **miamor:** let alone about a friend's sibling

 **miamor:** now's not the time to be the protective older brother, now's the time to be pidge's friend

 **miamor:** and a friend doesnt blow up at someone else when they have a problem

 **fucker:** :(

 **miamor:** right?

 **fucker:** youre right 

 **fucker:** but theyre not answering!! i want to talk to pidge

 **miamor:** come over here, i mean its not like they leave the apartment anyway

 **fucker:** sighs,,,,

 **miamor:** cmon

 **fucker:** fine

**_(mattholt) satan >> (pidgey) devilchild_ **

**satan:** pidge please come out of ur room

 **devilchild:** no

 **satan:** pidge PLEASE

 **devilchild:** lance is gonna be fuckin,,, waiting outside ready to beat my ass

 **satan:** lance is the lankiest motherfucker ive ever seen

 **satan:** hed try to snap a twig and hed end up hurting himself

 **devilchild:** true

 **satan:** hes waiting in the living room, hes not mad, he just wants to talk

 **devilchild:** matt i already feel terrible i dont need it to get worse ok

 **satan:** pidge i just want to help you

 **satan:** hes your friend and he wants to act like it

 **devilchild:** well i wanna DIE, so

 **satan:** pidge please

 **satan:** youre never gonna move forward if you dont face these issues head on

 **satan:** we're human, we break walls, thats what we're supposed to do

 **satan:** and we break out fuckin hands and we cry about it and we keep moving

 **satan:** i wanna help you move forward

 **satan:** so does lance

 **satan:** please come out of your room

 **devilchild:** youre an ass

 **satan:** an ass that loooooooovvvveeeeeeessss u

 **devilchild:** fine 

 **satan:** :D

**_shitpost central_ **

**_hunkofgorgeous added pidgey_ **

**_pidgey changed their name to pidgeonator3000_ **

**leslie:** im at work idk whats going on

 **leslie:** i hope everythings ok

 **ifuckingdied:** [ _crushedtodeath.jpg_ ]

 **ifuckingdied:** pidge is being completely suffocated by the sheer force of shiro, matt, hunk, AND lance's hugs,

 **ifuckingdied:** i didnt wanna join in and cut off their oxygen so

 **matterbaby:** false, keith did in fact join in

 **elviscrespo:** he grabbed my ass

 **matterbaby:** yeah nvm i did

 **pidgeonator3000:** i live

 **ann:** pidge cried

 **pidgeonator3000:** shiro bottoms

 **ann:** PIDGE

 **matterbaby:** we switch actually

 **ann:** MATT

 **leslie:** wow i DIDNT need to know that

 **ann:** ALLURA

 **pidgeonator3000:** i walked in on them one time i was disgusted

 **pidgeonator3000:** they didnt notice 

 **pidgeonator3000:** which was wasnt surprising

 **hunkofogorgeous:** we DONT need descriptors!!!

 **leslie:** ok but what r u gonna do abt esme?

 **pidgeonator3000:** well we all talked it out, compared ideas

 **pidgeonator3000:** and the best thing i can do now is just be there for her

 **pidgeonator3000:** like hunk had said about shay

 **pidgeonator3000:** if they work it out, she'll be happy, and ill be there

 **pidgeonator3000:** if they dont, ill be there for her too 

 **pidgeonator3000:** shes having issues and i think its best i put her feelings before mine for now

 **leslie:** thats

 **leslie:** a very mature decision pidge

 **ifuckingdied:** pidge is a good friend

 **pidgeonator3000:** not as good as you are i cant believe you pulled a yaint in my honor

 **ifuckingdied:** i would pull many yaints in ur honor

 **elviscrespo:** what about me

 **ifuckingdied:** id pull other things in your honor

 **ann:** KEITH,

 **elviscrespo:** ;)

 **ifuckingdied:** ;)

 **leslie:** well im glad everything worked out

 **hunkofgorgeous:** me too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh also allura dm me i need ur help

 **leslie:** kk

 **elviscrespo:** @pidgey i love u

 **pidgeonator3000:** i love u too u dirty goblin man

 **ifuckingdied:** GASP

**_ifuckingdied changed elviscrespo's name to goblinman_ **

**goblinman:** KEITH WHY

 **goblinman:** I THOT U LOVED ME?

 **ifuckingdied:** it is because i love u that i have named u this

 **pidgeonator3000:** the highest honor, the goblin king,

 **goblinman:** wait u think im royalty

 **ifuckingdied:** KING of my ass

 **pidgeonator3000:** king of the goblin ass

 **ifuckingdied:** do not

**_(pidgey) pidgeonator3000 >> (esmeraldamcclain) secretsquirrel_ **

**pidgeonator3000:** hey are you alright?

 **secretsquirrel:** i

 **secretsquirrel:** i dont know?

 **pidgeonator3000:** skype?

 **secretsquirrel:** pidge i look like a mess

 **pidgeonator3000:** youll never look like a mess to me

 **pidgeonator3000:** call me

 **secretsquirrel:** alright

**_shitpost central_ **

**pidgeonator3000:** EVERYBODY LEAVE MY BEDROOM NOW THE WIFE IS CALLING

 **elviscrespo:** KICKED OUT IN FAVOR OF THE BAE, BAETRAYAL,

 **ifuckingdied:** hey lance wanna stay over

 **elviscrespo:** i would sacrifice everyone in this building and then myself before i said no

 **ifuckingdied:** hell yeah

**_(hunkydory) sunshineman >> (princessmonstertruck) glowinggoddess_ **

**sunshineman:** [ _option1.jpg_ ]

 **sunshineman:** [ _option2.jpg_ ]

 **sunshineman:** [ _option3.jpg_ ]

 **sunshineman:** ok so these are the ones i had in mind

 **sunshineman:** which one do you think she'll like

 **glowinggoddess:** hunk if u gave me any one of those rings right now you just KNOW id let u smash

 **sunshineman:** thats

 **sunshineman:** thats sweet?

 **glowinggoddess:** op 1

 **glowinggoddess:** the second one is just a bit too much diamond

 **glowinggoddess:** and the third is just so extra

 **sunshineman:** for shay i would dig to the deepest depths of the earth and oceans for the perfect ring

 **glowinggoddess:** hunk those are rly expensive if you need a loan im right here ok

 **sunshineman:** no ive been saving up for a while

 **sunshineman:** its like i told you, ive been thinking about proposing for months

 **glowinggoddess:** ok but HOW are u gonna propose

 **sunshineman:** im not too worried about that

 **sunshineman:** im worried about her saying yes

 **glowinggoddess:** shay looks at u like u have sunshine pouring out of ur ass 24/7 

 **glowinggoddess:** i doubt for 0 seconds that shed say yes

 **sunshineman:** thanks allura

 **sunshineman:** for now im gonna keep saving up and then ill buy the ring

 **glowinggoddess:** have u told anyone else?

 **sunshineman:** not yet

 **sunshineman:** ill tell everyone once i buy the ring

 **sunshineman:** ill probably ask you all for help setting everything up if i decide to make it fancy

 **sunshineman:** but thanks for helping me choose

 **sunshineman:** youve been a rly big help

 **glowinggoddess:** IM ALWAYS HAPPY TO HELP HUNK I LOVE U AND I SUPPORT U AND SHAY 1000000000% IM SO EXCITED

 **glowinggoddess:** THANK U SO MUCH FOR TRUSTING ME WITH THIS

 **glowinggoddess:** PROMISE I WONT LET U DOWN

 **sunshineman:** <33333

 **glowinggoddess:** <333333333333333333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> op 1 : http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore/r6-rings-101488--1/diamond-engagement-ring-1-ct-tw-round-cut-14k-yellow-gold-940241817/101488/101488.101495  
> op 2: http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore/diamond-bridal-set-1-1-8-ct-tw-round-cut-14k-yellow-gold  
> op 3: http://www.kay.com/en/kaystore/diamond-bridal-set-2-ct-tw-princess-round-cut-14k-yellow-gold


	13. PLAN PROP69420666 AND OBLITERATING THE FOURTH WALL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eat my ass, conventional writing methods

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** guys oh my god

 **ann:** lance why r u awake

 **goblinman:** why r U awake

 **goblinman:** yeah i thot so

 **goblinman:** anyway i found this super weird show on netflix its like

 **goblinman:** i read the synopsis and what the fuck

 **goblinman:** we're.... like, in the show

 **ifuckingdied:** lance what

 **ifuckingdied:** turn your brightness down

 **goblinman:** sorry babe

 **pidgeonator3000:** elaborate

 **goblinman:** ok so it revolves around the lives of seven people and, like, they each match our names?

 **goblinman:** even coran

 **goblinman:** but theyre fuckin space rangers or some shit

 **goblinman:** its called voltron legendary defender and lowkey? lowkey dude?

 **goblinman:** id date my cartoon self

 **ifuckingdied:** do i have a mullet on the show

 **goblinman:** yes actually

 **ifuckingdied:** what the fuck thats accurate

 **pidgeonator3000:** what do i look like

 **goblinman:** exactly the same

 **goblinman:** except ure a girl on there

 **pidgeonator3000:** eh whatever im the canon version in this universe

 **goblinman:** what

 **pidgeonator3000:** go to sleep lance youre probably hallucinating again

 **ifuckingdied:** im gonna choke u if u dont turn ur fuckING screen brightness down

 **goblinman:** i love u keith

 **ifuckingdied:** i love u too u piece of absolute garbage now go to sleep

 **pidgeonator3000:** finally

 **pidgeonator3000:** they can't know

**_[080920171159PM-09092017449AM CLEAR]_ **

_The next morning..._

**goblinman:** man i had the weirdest dream last night

 **ann:** what was it about

 **goblinman:** i dreamt there were like... alternate versions of ourselves and we were space rangers

 **goblinman:** and it felt so real like i thot it was a show on netflix even called voltron or something

 **goblinman:** but when i went to check its gone???

 **leslie:** who was i

 **goblinman:** a beautiful, ethereal, gorgeous princess

 **leslie:** did i kick ass

 **goblinman:** u kicked SO much ass

 **leslie:** fuck yeah

 **leslie:** lets hang out 2day

 **leslie:** keith im stealing ur mans

 **ifuckingdied:** in a couple hours i wanna stay in bed w him a lil longer

 **matterbaby:** gay

 **pidgeonator3000:** you rang??

 **goblinman:** hows my sis pidge

 **pidgeonator3000:** absolutely devastated

 **pidgeonator3000:** she broke up w her gf and shes so so sad about it

 **pidgeonator3000:** i dont wanna see her cry again, ever

 **hunkofgorgeous:** pidge thats the sweetest thing ive ever heard u say

 **hunkofgorgeous:** also i MAY have an announcement later but since im not decided yet im not. announcing anything about the announcement yet

 **hunkofgorgeous:** hopefully that makes sense

 **goblinman:** no it does not but i love and support u anyway

 **hunkofgorgeous:** thank u lance i love u

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i love u too

 **ifuckingdied:** also after u finally fell asleep lance i woke up and i heard u mumble in ur sleep

 **goblinman:** wtf i sleep talk??

 **ifuckingdied:** i heard my name a couple times and a few bits and pieces of spanish

 **ifuckingdied:** it was cute actually you said u loved me 

 **goblinman:** even in my dreams im fucking gone for u

 **pidgeonator3000:** gross

 **ifuckingdied:** also lance is a fucking burning piece of molten lava fucking never cling to him when the fan isnt on

 **goblinman:** yeah haha i get that a lot

 **ann:** my little brothers love life aside,

 **ann:** matt and i r gonna get groceries dont throw a party while we're gone for approximately an hour and a half

 **pidgeonator3000:** im gonna throw eighteen parties all at once, forever

 **matterbaby:** NO,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh ok ok im decided

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yes ok i have an announcement in the form of a question

 **hunkofgorgeous:** [ _thering.jpg_ ]

 **hunkofgorgeous:** what do u think abt this ring

 **matterbaby:** shiro says its pretty were in the car

 **matterbaby:** i second that

 **leslie:** omg hunk

 **goblinman:** its beautiful

 **ifuckingdied:** ya its rly glittery

 **pidgeonator3000:** yes

 **pidgeonator3000:** why do u ask hunk

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh bc im proposing to shay tonight and i wanna make sure the ring is JUSt right

 **goblinman:** WTF

 **ifuckingdied:** HOLY SHIT

 **pidgeonator3000:** B R O,,,

 **matterbaby:** YOU WHAT

 **leslie:** WOOOOHOOOOOO

 **goblinman:** hunk how r u NOT panicking

 **hunkofgorgeous:** honestly i dont even know shes coming over at eight and idk what i have planned ahahahahahHAHHAHAKJEVBNKRF FUCK

 **hunkofgorgeous:** FUCKFUCKFUCKFUKFUFJERNLOIFER

 **leslie:** LANCE CANCEL OUR PLANS WE'RE HELPING HUNK PROPOSE TO SHAY

 **ifuckingdied:** i fucking died

 **leslie:** KEITH youre HELPING TOO

 **pidgeonator3000:** what about me

 **leslie:** you are going to orchestrate the biggest display of proposal fireworks california has ever seen

 **leslie:** or something equally romantic

 **pidgeonator3000:** imma make a giant penis in the sky

 **leslie:** NO,,,,

 **matterbaby:** HOW CAN WE HELP

 **leslie:** WELL youre with groceries rn SO we'll text u the supplies we need

 **matterbaby:** FUCK YEAH

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i owe u my life allura

 **leslie:** no....... i owe U my life............ this b only repayment..... and love and care for u and shay

 **leslie:** lowkey doing this for the entirely selfish reason that i wanna do bridal hair and makeup for her

 **goblinman:** relatable

 **leslie:** AND ONE MORE THING

**_leslie added corancoranthegorgeousman_ **

**leslie:** CORAN SET PLAN PROP69420666 FULL SPEED IN FAVOR OF HUNK AND SHAY

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** INITIATING PROP69420666: PALADINS OF LOVE

 **goblinman:** wait,,, paladins

 **pidgeonator3000:** lance FOCUS

 **goblinman:** RIGHT we need to focus on helping hunk

 **matterbaby:** shiro says patience yields focus

 **ifuckingdied:** iconic phrase

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** LANCE AND KEITH ARE ON DECORATIONS

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** PIDGE IS ON ENTERTAINMENT AND LIGHT SHOW

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** HUNK, SHIRO, MATTHEW ARE ON COOKING

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** ALLURA IS ON WARDROBE AND LIGHTING

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** AND I'LL CALL ANTONIO FOR MUSIC

 **hunkofgorgeous:** whos antonio

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** A VIOLINIST, MY DEAR BOY!!! MOOD MUSIC IS KEY TO A GOOD PROPOSAL

 **leslie:** WE'RE GONNA GET U FUCKIN ENGAGED HUNK

 **hunkofgorgeous:** HELL YEAH

 **leslie:** HELL YEAH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're finally gonna explore alluras character after the proposal ny'all


	14. the thunderstorm and the flower shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> operation get hunk engaged is a go, put on ur aprons and read a party decorating book, its go time

**_shitpost central_ **

**ifuckingdied:** um allura?

 **leslie:** YES KEITH??

 **ifuckingdied:** does pink go with purple or what

 **leslie:** IF IT'S A PEACH PINK, PAIR IT WITH A LAVENDER AND A ROYAL PURPLE

 **leslie:** IF IT'S COOL TONED, THROW IT AWAY

 **ifuckingdied:** what the fuck

 **leslie:** actually dont pair pink and purple wtf we dont want a fantasy sort of arrangement we wants something warm and homely

 **leslie:** WE'RE THEMING THIS SHIT WHITE LILIES

 **ifuckingdied:** do u want green

 **leslie:** a soft, warm-toned pastel green, yes

 **ifuckingdied:** on it

 **leslie:** where's my son

 **ifuckingdied:** hes driving the car we cant go on motorcycle for obvious reasons

 **leslie:** understandaBle 

 **leslie:** MATT CHECK IN

 **matterbaby:** im gay and also im helping hunk prepare everything

 **matterbaby:** we're basically just putting everything in sets so that we can just cook them and serve

 **matterbaby:** whos on waitstaff

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** TIS I, CORAN THE MAN AND SERVER

 **matterbaby:** fuck yeah

 **leslie:** wheres shiro

 **matterbaby:** hes picking out plates n shit

 **matterbaby:** getting the Fancy tableware

 **leslie:** tell him to go to TJMaxx theres better shit there

 **matterbaby:** on it

 **hunkofgorgeous:** you guys have no idea how much i appreciate this

 **hunkofgorgeous:** this is literally the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me

 **ifuckingdied:** lance says u deserve this and so much more

 **ifuckingdied:** i agree

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** OF COURSE MY BOY!! 

 **matterbaby:** yes

 **leslie:** [ _Shortpeoplecorrectmeme.jpg except it just says is hunk a beautiful man? and then a checkmark and seven copies of the squatting excited man]_

 **hunkofgorgeous:** did u make that

 **leslie:** yeah

 **hunkofgorgeous:** thank u

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OK SO WHAT DO I WEAR

 **leslie:** ALREADY OMW WITH A TAILORED SUIT

 **hunkofgorgeous:** WTF how do u know my measurements

 **leslie:** do u remember ur first date with shay

 **hunkofgorgeous:** OH RIGHT 

 **leslie:** ya im getting rly nice suit its a pretty dark grey with a cream yellow tie, a vest and a white button down

 **hunkofgorgeous:** NICE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** do i tell her to dress up or

 **leslie:** eh ill do it

_**(princessmonstertruck) queen >> (shayhay) starshine** _

**queen:** hey shay!! do u remember that yellow dress you wore to my bday party last year

 **starshine:** Yes!! i do

 **queen:** put it on tonight when u get off work and u go over to hunk's, i have a feeling things r gonna get fancy

 **starshine:**!!! ok!!! can i ask what this is about??

 **queen:** its a surprise bbg!!!

 **starshine:** oh ok!!!!!!!!!! ill see you there???

 **queen:** maybe!!

_**shitpost central** _

**leslie:** hi my name is allura and i love shay

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yeah me too

 **leslie:** CORAN hows entertainment and also weather??

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** ANTONIO IS ON HIS WAY!! AND THE SKY IS LOOKING A LITTLE GRIM, THOUGH I'D SAY SINCE WE'LL BE INSIDE IT WONT BE A PROBLEM!

 **pidgeonator3000:** INCORRECT MY GOOD SIR, for a THUNDERSTORM is expected later tonight

 **leslie:** thank fuck whens the last time we had any rain

 **pidgeonator3000:** by my calculations?? never

 **leslie:** tru

 **leslie:** anyway hows shiro doing

 **ann:** umm

 **leslie:** shiro,

 **ann:** i broke all the plates

 **matterbaby:** can confirm, ceramic shards are scattered everywhere, shiro is crying on the floor and i am joining him

 **leslie:** NO, NO YOU'RE NOT,

 **leslie:** im almost up to the apartment with the suit ill clean it up

 **ann:** no its ok i can do it 

 **leslie:** we need plates

 **ann:** how about i help hunk and matt gets the plates

 **leslie:** fine

 **leslie:** but let me see how hunk's suit looks on him first

 **leslie:** hunk bby how r u holding up

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im starting to get a bit nervous

 **leslie:** CORAN light a lavender vanilla candle and put on some calming music

 **leslie:** dont worry bby everythings gonna be just fine

 **hunkofgorgeous:** god i hope so

 **goblinman:** WE'RE BACK and we brought decorations

 **leslie:** pls tell me its the correct color scheme

 **goblinman:** pfft u think i let keith choose?? i got beige, cream white, pastel Warm green and golden balloons

 **goblinman:** as if i dont know how to color coordinate

 **goblinman:** we also got a lace tablecloth and a set of plastic, imitation glass plates for home bc theyre pretty and i figured we could use some

 **leslie:** NICE we'll use those since those dont BREAK

 **ann:** sorry :(

 **leslie:** its ok bby boy i still love u

 **ann:** <3

 **hunkofgorgeous:** ok so i put on the suit

 **leslie:** come out here

 **pidgeonator3000:** hows my man lookin

 **goblinman:** [ _HANDSOMEMAN.jpg_ ]

 **goblinman:** [ _LOVEOFMYLIFE.jpg_ ]

 **goblinman:** [ _THEMOSTBEAUTIFULBOYINTHEWORLD.jpg_ ]

 **pidgeonator3000:** i love hunk i love him so much

 **leslie:** pidge hows entertainment

 **pidgeonator3000:** cancelled, unless u wanna set off fireworks during a thunderstorm

 **leslie:** these flowers r rly nice guys whered u get them

 **ifuckingdied:** um

 **goblinman:** why dont u tell her keith

 **ifuckingdied:** i may or may not have stolen them from shays flower shop

 **hunkofgorgeous:** e x c u s e  m e

 **leslie:** what the fuck

 **ifuckingdied:** WE RAN OUT OF CASH OK

 **ifuckingdied:** she didnt see us so its fine

 **hunkofgorgeous:** IT IS MOST CERTAINLY N O T FINE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** HOW DARE U STEAL FROM MY GF I WILL HAVE U KNOW RKVBWR she texted me

 **leslie:** why is that so relatable

 **hunkofgorgeous:** FUCK

 **pidgeonator3000:** this just in: the world is fucking ending

 **leslie:** WHAT why

 **pidgeonator3000:** look outside

 **leslie:** HOLY SHIT

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** LOOKS LIKE THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST CAME EARLY!! ANTONIO CANCELLED

 **hunkofgorgeous:** im going to get shay

 **ann:** hunk you will ACTUALLY die

 **hunkofgorgeous:** shes stuck at the flower shop in her pretty dress and i dont want her to get wet

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i think we can all agree id go through hell and back for her so this? not an issue

 **hunkofgorgeous:** she wouldve been here earlier had she not had to stay because of MISSING INVENTORY

 **ifuckingdied:** sorry

 **ann:** we're going with you

 **ann:** pidge and coran will stay behind and set up what needs to be set up

 **pidgeonator3000:** AYE AYE CAPN

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** YES

 **ann:** we'll take my van

 **leslie:** every time i think abt shiros mom minivan i cry a little inside

 **ann:** dont insult laura

 **matterbaby:** well get a better one baby

 **ann:** NO ONE TREATS ME BETTER THAN LAURA

 **hunkofgorgeous:** LETS JUST GO ALREADY I WANNA MAKE SURE SHES OK

 **hunkofgorgeous:** fuck she just said her power went out we've GOT to move 

 **pidgeonator3000:** im getting my stuff ill be next door in a bit, get off your phones and focus

 **leslie:** we're recording this for posterity's sake

 **pidgeonator3000:** theres no audience that would enjoy our texting shenanigans

 **pidgeonator3000:** **_or is there?_ **

**goblinman:** oh so YOU can break the fourth wall but i cant??

 **ann:** wtf??

 **pidgeonator3000:** dw about it

 **pidgeonator3000:** GO GO GO

 

Rushing down a rainy avenue, a Honda Odyssey barely held Allura, Shiro, Hunk, Keith, and Lance as they raced against the storm to pick up Shay, Hunk's fiance-to-be. The windshield wipers were going as fast as the feeble plastics could go, and Allura crouched in the space between the two back seats, looking around. The road in front of them had become clouded with battering rain, and it was almost impossible to see two feet ahead of them, much less any indicating of where they were going.

"Pidge asked me to get pictures," Lance mumbled, looking out as Hunk barreled down the street. "but man, I don't think we're gonna survive if you're driving like, Hunk!"

"I've driven to her house thousands of times, Lance, I have the roads practically memorized." Hunk sighed, eyebrows furrowed. "And if we crash, we get out of the car, and we go to her."

"Hunk, we can reschedule the dinner anytime!" Shiro insisted. "I'm sure Shay would understand."

"Maybe she would, but I can't risk it. It's taken me weeks to build up the courage, and I know that by tomorrow it'll all be gone. It's now or never." the man exclaimed. "So we're going now."

Shiro frowned, but leaned back in his seat. "I won't hold you back, then. Go find her, Hunk."

There were wild screams as Hunk kicked the gas and went flying down the street. Blurry streetlights and sudden, sparse flashes of thunder were the only things illuminating their way, as the road they were on had lost power and there were no signs to tell them where they were looking for.

Suddenly, there was a huge, bright flash, and  _Gardner Flower Company_ came into view. Their sign was off, just like everyone else's down the road, and you could see faint specks of light within the store, no doubt from lit candles and lamps. Hunk pulled over quickly, and went to unbuckle his seat belt.

"Hunk, my suit! You're gonna get drenched!" Allura exclaimed. 

"I don't care! I want to see my  _wife_!" Hunk yelled. Lance gave an excited, encouraging yell, and pushed his best friend out of the van.

Hunk tumbled out and immediately ran for the front door, knocking quickly. From inside, he saw Shay perk up, pick up a candle, and rush to unlock the entrance. 

"Hunk! What are you doing here? It's raining cats and dogs!" she scolded, but there was no anger, instead only frantic worry. "It's so dangerous out there! You could've gotten hurt." 

"I don't care, I wanted to see you." Hunk answered, a blush rushing to his cheeks. "I wanted to ask you something."

"What? Hunk, we need to get you dry, I don't want you to catch a cold—" Shay grabbed his hand, turned, and began to move forward, but Hunk stood firm, and pulled her back gently. "Hunk?"

The girl blinked and almost dropped the candle as she saw Hunk get down on one knee. She felt heat crawl up her back, her neck, her cheeks, everywhere—  _Is he...?_

"Shay, I know this might seem out of nowhere. I know we've only been together for two years. I know we're young and I know the world is on fire right now. But every time I see you, every time you smile at me, it feels like nothing else matters but the way you look and the way you laugh and the way you are. It feels like I've struck gold, like I've found the one person that will be there for me, and all I feel in those moments is that I want to try, for the rest of my life, to be the same for you. You walked into my life and you've lit everything up like it was second nature, like it was normal, like you didn't change my life forever." Hunk's voice wavered as he picked up her left hand gently. "I love you with all of my heart and with all that I am, and I know I will feel this way forever. So, um, with that being said," He fished through his pockets for the ring he had bought, and quickly pulled out the navy blue box. "Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife? No, uh, wait, that came out weird. Will you marry me? Yeah, that's better."

They locked eyes and immediately Shay began to cry, nodding quickly until her head almost hurt and she had to clench her teeth to hold back her sobs. She couldn't say yes, even if she desperately wanted to, for she knew she would break down and cry for hours. So, she settled for mouthing it and trying to keep composure.

Flashes of light came from behind the shop window and she suddenly saw Lance, holding his phone and screaming inside a rocking van, a faint image of Keith, Shiro, and Allura cheering behind the back tinted windows.

Hunk slipped the ring onto her finger, and it felt warm and familiar, comfortable, like it fit perfectly. The yellow gold contrasted beautifully against her dark skin, and the diamond dazzled and gleamed, even in the faint candlelight. She looked up to see Hunk's brown, brown eyes looking down at her, and for a long time, they embraced, swaying to an unheard song while the world outside flooded.

But for now, together, they were safe, as they would be for a long time to come.

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** [ _theproposal.mp4_ ]

 **goblinman:** [ _theproposal2.mp4_ ]

 **goblinman:** [ _theparentscamedownstairs.mp4_ ]

 **pidgeonator3000:** i love how shays parents IMMEDIATELY screamed and hugged the both of them thats iconic

 **goblinman:** lowkey jealous bc ive been dating keith for a while and shiro STILL hasnt accepted me

 **ann:** thats because ur a shitlord lance and like hell i havent accepted u

 **ann:** i am the PRESIDENT of the klance fan club

 **goblinman:** wtf whos the founder

 **ifuckingdied:** me

 **goblinman:** why wasnt i invited

 **ifuckingdied:** considering i thot u hated me until a little bit before we started dating, id say it should be obvious

 **goblinman:** the amount of photos i have of u from BEFORE we started dating should say otherwise but ok pretty boy

 **matterbaby:** so thanks for ditching me back there

 **matterbaby:** but YEAH she said yes!!!!

 **ann:** im sorry baby we'll be back home soon

 **ann:** im sure the rain will clear up

 **leslie:** its already died down quite a bit

 **leslie:** wait lance come back here with me shays gonna come home with us

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yeah lance get in the back

 **goblinman:** wait i wanna be in the backmost seat with keith

 **ann:** u better not start making out in my van

 **leslie:** im sure you and matt have defiled this van enough to say that with at least SOME shame

 **ann:** tru

 **matterbaby:** ;)

 **hunkofgorgeous:** we'll have dinner as soon as we get back to my place

 **hunkofgorgeous:** we're probably gonna watch some movies afterwards

 **hunkofgorgeous:** which means y'all might have to huddle up at shiro's for the night

 **hunkofgorgeous:** lance, if you get what im saying,

 **goblinman:** NO WORRIES BUDDY ;)))));):)

 **leslie:** i think we pulled off prop69420666 succesfully

 **pidgeonator3000:** ill start heating everything up so its warm when u get back

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** I'D SAY MY WORK HERE IS DONE

 **corancoranthegorgeousman:** CONGRATULATIONS, SON! MAY YOUR FUTURE MARRIAGE BE BLESSED WITH MANY ADVENTURES!!

 **hunkofgorgeous:** thanks coran!!!!

_**corancoranthegorgeousman has left the chat** _

**hunkofgorgeous:** alright ill be off for a bit while we get home

 **goblinman:** ill send updates

 **leslie:** imma go home after we get back to the apartments

 **ann:** we're all cheering rn 

 **pidgeonator3000:** wtf hunks gonna get married

 **goblinman:** he says he cant believe it either

 **goblinman:** shay kissed his right hand

 **ifuckingdied:** this is so cute i think im gonna die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> longer than expected but im sure it was worth it


	15. allura's dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> allura's love life? A Mess

_**(princessmonstertruck) somethingsparkly >> (trynadie) takashitfuck** _

**somethingsparkly:** whats up peepee boy

 **takashitfuck:** what the fuck

 **somethingsparkly:** im sad

 **takashitfuck:** omw

 **somethingsparkly:** mood

 **takashitfuck:** y r u sad

 **takashitfuck:** do you wanna come over??

 **somethingsparkly:** can i???

 **takashitfuck:** fucking d u h

 **somethingsparkly:** good bc im already outside your door

 **takashitfuck:** what

 **takashitfuck:** lihfliwudhliwHIF WTF DID U JUST KNOCK

 **somethingsparkly:** YEAH LOL

**_shitpost central_ **

**matterbaby:** [ _wtf.jpg_ ]

 **matterbaby:** allura is having my fiance braid her hair?

 **pidgeonator3000:** fiance??

 **matterbaby:** nvm we havent gotten to that plot point yet

 **pidgeonator3000:** whoops spoiler alert

 **matterbaby:** anyway its like 10 PM and hes braiding her hair??? lowkey looks good tho kinda want him to do it to me

 **pidgeonator3000:** why r u spying on him

 **matterbaby:** no im not spying i was gonna go to the kitchen and i saw them together like that and idk they look rly cute

 **matterbaby:** im in my bedroom rn actually i didnt wanna interrupt

 **matterbaby:** bff business, yknow how it goes

 **pidgeonator3000:** yeah

 **pidgeonator3000:** i do know how it be

 **pidgeonator3000:** speaking of

 **pidgeonator3000:** queef report in

 **ifuckingdied:** bonjour y'all

 **pidgeonator3000:** ur gay

 **ifuckingdied:** [ _howtotalktoshortpeople.jpg except its just a floating excited head with glowing red eyes and a warped blur of the words CORRECT with a checkmark_ ]

 **goblinman:** we havent heard a SINGLE word from hunk since he got home with shay

 **goblinman:** im gonna assume they Got It On

 **goblinman:** im rly happy for them

 **matterbaby:** me too

 **ifuckingdied:** lance stop sending me obscure memes my dick is receding inside of my body

 **pidgeonator3000:** GOOD i dont wanna hear ANYTHING since lance is staying over

 **pidgeonator3000:** you fucking heathens

 **goblinman:** ;P

 **goblinman:** tbh ngl when we were in the van i lowkey? lowkey dude? lowkey thot allura looked kinda out of it

 **ann:** r u saying my girl is a thot

 **ann:** nvm i read that wrong

 **goblinman:** daddy shiro makes an appearance

 **ifuckingdied:** please Never refer to my brother as "daddy" ever again, thanks

 **goblinman:** you know that titles only for u ;)

 **ifuckingdied:** LANCE

 **pidgeonator3000:** EWWWW WTF LANCE

 **matterbaby:** GROSS

 **ann:** UGH

 **pidgeonator3000:** im sending your sister embarrassing pics of u just because i fucking hate u that much

 **goblinman:** WTF DONT

 **pidgeonator3000:** too late i sent her the Entire Archive

 **ifuckingdied:** oh shit they sent her the Entire Archive

 **ifuckingdied:** lance thats like 800 photos

 **goblinman:** WTF

 **goblinman:** HOW DID U GET 800 PHOTOS

 **pidgeonator3000:** youre an ugly guy

 **goblinman:** WHAT THE FUK

 **goblinman:** keith, babe

 **goblinman:** is it true

 **goblinman:** am i ugly

 **ifuckingdied:** you are the most beautiful man ive ever met, you get hit on constantly, my dick literally gets longer each time you give me a boner, you have blessed my life with your smile, laughter, and eyes, and each time you look at me i feel like the world stops and gazes at your shining glow with me

 **matterbaby:** can confirm, lance IS very beautiful

 **ann:** i love my gay son

 **pidgeonator3000:** keith looks at u like sunshine is always flowing out of ur ass

 **goblinman:** wtf this is the sweetest thing ive ever fucking heard

 **goblinman:** pidge put on ur headphones

 **pidgeonator3000:** what

 **pidgeonator3000:** OH

 **pidgeonator3000:** WTF GROSS

 **goblinman:** just do it

 **ifuckingdied:** im fucking blessed

 **matterbaby:** ok but back to allura

 **matterbaby:** whats going on w her?? 

 **ann:** um,

 **ann:** she feels really lonely and detached

 **ann:** bad thoughts

 **ann:** id ask her to chip in or elaborate for you but idk if shed be ok w that

 **leslie:** thanks

 **leslie:** but its fine i just dont wanna bother hunk w this

 **matterbaby:**??

 **leslie:** idk i just

 **leslie:** i saw hunk propose to shay and i was really proud and happy

 **leslie:** and then suddenly i just felt so so lonely

 **leslie:** like, ok

 **leslie:** ive had a crush on three people in my entire life and all three of those have ended super badly or gone really wrong

 **leslie:** and i feel like im just not the kind of person to get a relationship

 **leslie:** idk i just feel like im not good enough for one? like men or women are just... like im not compatible with people, not enough to form any sort of romantic bond even though i really want one

 **leslie:** yknow what i mean? i just

 **leslie:** ive never had a long-lasting, happy relationship

 **leslie:** and idk every time i get close to having one i mess up and ruin everything

 **leslie:** its a miracle i managed to get my friendship with shiro back

 **leslie:** the other two instances? not so lucky

 **leslie:** seeing hunk get engaged with shay, who's very clearly his soulmate, just made me feel like i dont have one yknow

 **leslie:** and i mean i totally get that soulmates are probably not a thing but idk i just felt like i was never gonna find that w someone because im not good enough for them or that type of person ig idk

 **leslie:** a dying alone kinda fear

 **leslie:** not just that i also kinda dont wanna get married? this is gonna sound super stupid but

 **leslie:** i wanted my dad to be at my wedding when i was young and just before he died

 **leslie:** and now its like if i DO have a wedding hes not gonna be there and its gonna suck and idk if im even ever gonna HAVE a wedding

 **leslie:** ugh its stupid

 **matterbaby:** its not stupid allura

 **matterbaby:** what youre feeling is totally rational and perfectly understandable

 **matterbaby:** first up, you dont really need a relationship to be happy

 **matterbaby:** youre a whole, entire person, as is everyone else, and because of that no one really NEEDS to be in a relationship

 **matterbaby:** im sure youve heard that a thousand times and its probably not gonna help how youre feeling

 **matterbaby:** but you dont owe anyone or yourself being paired up

 **matterbaby:** and it isnt gonna solve your problems

 **matterbaby:** in fact, judging by how busy with your franchises you are, it could even create more

 **matterbaby:** even then, you deserve someone who keeps at your pace and isnt afraid of any bumps in the road

 **matterbaby:** dont ever lower your standards

 **matterbaby:** you are 100% capable and worthy of a relationship

 **matterbaby:** you arent in any way shape or form not good enough or "just not the type" for a relationship

 **matterbaby:** people arent better or less than others, and we are all different, especially in the ways that we love each other

 **matterbaby:** go at your own pace and dont compare yourself to others

 **matterbaby:** you are more than your relationship status or a ring on your finger

 **matterbaby:** so THeRE

 **ann:** shes crying

 **leslie:** im crying

 **pidgeonator3000:** so am i

 **goblinman:** same here

 **ifuckingdied:** me too

 **pidgeonator3000:** finally done sucking each others dicks i see

 **goblinman:** we just made out for a while

 **ifuckingdied:** well

 **goblinman:** MAYBE there were hands involved

 **ifuckingdied:** there was no maybe about it

 **pidgeonator3000:** do NOT

 **pidgeonator3000:** fuckin gay lords

 **ifuckingdied:** did u hear that babe?? we're gay lords

 **goblinman:** finally moving up in the monarchy

 **pidgeonator3000:** ANYWAY i agree with matt allura i love and support you 

 **leslie:** <3

 **leslie:** thanks guys

 **leslie:** i rly appreciate this

 **leslie:** also shiro just did the Prettiest braid

 **leslie:** show them pics baby boy

 **ann:** [ _rapunzel.jpg_ ]

 **ann:** my girls hair is so good what shampoo do u use

 **leslie:** i use ouai shampoo <3

 **goblinman:** wtf i use Verb

 **goblinman:** keith uses suave but his hair always smells so nice and its so soft if i used suave my hair would die

 **ifuckingdied:** is suave not a good shampoo

 **goblinman:** its. ok

 **ifuckingdied:** oh ok

 **goblinman:** i wanna do ur hair now :(

 **ifuckingdied:** do it

 **ifuckingdied:** u chicken

 **pidgeonator3000:** give my boy pigtails

 **goblinman:** noted

 **ifuckingdied:** pls dont

 **ifuckingdied:** sighs

 **leslie:** i love my stupid kids

 **ann:** me too

 **matterbaby:** this just in: shiro indeed admits that hes Actually a Total dad

 **pidgeonator3000:** what a father

 **ann:** tbh coran is more of a dad im totally an awkward older brother figure who Tries to be a dad but just fails

 **matterbaby:** you dont fail at anything, ever,

 **pidgeonator3000:** You Sure??

 **pidgeonator3000:** [ _tortillasinthetoaster.jpg_ ]

 **pidgeonator3000:** [ _tinypants.jpg_ ]

 **pidgeonator3000:** [ _ialmostfuckingdied.mp4_ ]

 **matterbaby:** SHIRO WHEN DID U ALMOST SIT ON MY SIBLING

 **ann:** I WAS HALF ASLEEP, SHE WAS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH FOR SOME REASON?

 **ann:** THEYRE SMALL OK

 **goblinman:** I REMEMBER THAT FUCKING TORTILLA SIN

 **goblinman:** IN THE TOASTER, MAN?? SERIOUSLY

 **ann:** YOU TOLD ME TOSTADA MEANT TOASTED IN SPANISH AND I JUST

 **ann:** I DONT KNOW, I WAS TRIED TO SAVE TIME? I WANTED TOSTADAS THE ONES YOU HAD MADE WERE SO GOOD BUT I NEVER KNEW HOW YOU MADE THEM

 **ifuckingdied:** when shiro bought child sized pants instead of regular sized ones

 **ifuckingdied:** i cried ok i was so dead they fit up to his fucking knee and i walked into him crying on his bedroom floor

 **ann:** NOT funny i wanted to die, keith

 **ifuckingdied:** join the club pal

 **matterbaby:** im saving all of this holy content

 **leslie:** you forget the most beautiful shiro moment of all

 **leslie:** [ _apartmentgate2016.mp4_ ]

 **ann:** THE DOOR WOULDNT OPEN

 **leslie:** IT WAS 4 AM SHIRO, IT WAS MY FRONT DOOR, IT WAS L O C K ED

 **ann:** I WASNT AWARE OF TIME I HADNT SLEPT ALL NIGHT

 **ann:** LEAVE MY ASS OLONE

 **leslie:** YOUW ERE RAIDNG MY FRIDGE

 **ann:** I WAS SLEEPWALKING?

 **leslie:** YOU DROVE THERE

 **ann:** WJA FWHATEVER THIS IS SLANDER

 **ifuckingdied:** HAHAHAHAHAHA

 **leslie:** [ _fuckingcryingbaby.jpg_ ]

 **leslie:** the actual peanut butter baby

 **goblinman:** WTF WHY R U COVERED IN PEANUT BUTTER

 **ann:** IT FELL FROM THE CUPBOARD KREFEIURVNIER

 **leslie:** my baby boy is a mess

 **matterbaby:** but hes MY mess

 **ann:** <3

 **matterbaby:** <3

 **pidgeonator3000:** wanna know soemthing even gayer

 **pidgeonator3000:** one time matt passed out in my room and he kept mumblin  shiros name

 **pidgeonator3000:** so when i leaned in to listen

 **pidgeonator3000:** he suddenly went "eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs"

 **matterbaby:** WTFR OVJIURHIHTI DEADASS??

 **pidgeonator3000:** DEADASS

 **ann** : I LOVE JOHN MULANEY

 **hunkofgorgeous:** hi guys

**hunkofgorgeous: shut the fuck up**

**hunkofgorgeous:** thanks

 


	16. conspiracy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey so i made a new game and im forcing these kids to play it  
> it might not be new actually but whatever  
> also sorry for my hiatus  
> i was dealing with some stuff ;(  
> enjoy

**_shitpost central_ **

**hunkofgorgeous:** good morning, heathens

 **leslie:** :(

 **ann:** we're sorry abt last night hunk

 **matterbaby:** in our defense, muting this chat IS an option

 **hunkofgorgeous:** no bc jic theres an emergency i want to be able to know and help

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and i'd probably forget to take off mute and end up missing out on a lot of lance's jokes

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and keith's banter, pidge's comments, funny disputes,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and i love my friends ;(

 **pidgeonator3000:** hunk what the fuck

 **pidgeonator3000:** thats the sweetest thing ive ever heard what the fuck

 **ann:** language

 **pidgeonator3000:** dont tell me i have a dirty mouth when YOU eat my brother's ass on the daily

**ann:** _**PIDGE** _

**matterbaby:** yeaahhhh

**ann:** _**M A T T** _

**pidgeonator3000:** anyway we love u hunk

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i love u too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** even if you all FUCKING kill my phone all the time

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i was tryna... like

 **hunkofgorgeous:** get it on w shay

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and YOU ALL WERE JUST

 **goblinman:** we can hear u physically resist the urge to type y'all

 **ifuckingdied:** it begins

 **ifuckingdied:** texanification

 **goblinman:** thats my cowboy boyfriend

 **goblinman:** my cowboyfriend

 **pidgeonator3000:** wow u just called keith a cow

 **hunkofgorgeous:** see, dirty sinners, all of you

 **hunkofgorgeous:** also shay says good morning, 

 **hunkofgorgeous:** and that not to worry lance, you can return at any moment

 **hunkofgorgeous:** jfjfhrueifjr i love her

 **goblinman:** youre marrying a wonderful woman hunk, im happy 4 u

 **goblinman:** except im staying in bed w keith forever :)

 **ifuckingdied:** mmm no ur not

 **goblinman:** :(

 **ifuckingdied:** jk i love u

 **goblinman:** :D

 **leslie:** bbbllhghghghgh i just got a call from my uncle, theyre finally getting my dad's will sorted out

 **leslie:** hghghgh i dont wanna go to the reading :( its gonna make me rly sad

 **ann:** do u want me to go with u?

 **ann:** i can be moral support and its kind of a long trip, so

 **leslie:** no its alright, i mean

 **leslie:** actually

 **leslie:** you 

 **leslie:** you wouldnt mind?

 **ann:** nope

 **leslie:** i really appreciate that shiro

 **leslie:** i havent been to castle altea in years and idk i feel like going back alone will just

 **leslie:** idk it feels so empty and lonely without my mom or dad there :(

 **ann:** ill be there for you, dont worry :)

 **leslie:** thanks bestie

 **ann:** yw ally <3

 **leslie:** AWW ALLY THATS A NEW ONE

 **leslie:** mmm what are nicknames i can make out of shiro

 **leslie:** shishi, roro, taki,

 **ann:** did u just call me tacky

 **leslie:** takashi,,,, takashitty,,,

 **ann:** wow

 **matterbaby:** this kind of love and appreciation between besties just makes me :')

 **matterbaby:** if only i had that kind of bond with pidge ;(

 **pidgeonator3000:** you do, mcfucker

 **matterbaby:** but alas, they died a year ago,

 **pidgeonator3000:** STOP TELLING PEOPLE I'M DEAD

 **matterbaby:** sometimes i can still hear their voice,

 **goblinman:** Y'ALL,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** oh god he broke out the y'all

 **goblinman:** sooo keith and i

 **goblinman:** made this new game,

 **goblinman:** and

 **ifuckingdied:** lance, 

 **goblinman:** i really think you're gonna love it

 **pidgeonator3000:** sighs

 **goblinman:** no please,,, listen

 **goblinman:** ok so, you start out with ur basic, run-off-the-mill conspiracy

 **ann:** im listening

 **leslie:** me too, unfortunately

 **goblinman:** mean

 **leslie:** jk i love u

 **goblinman:** me too

 **goblinman:** so u start out w something like "the moon landing was faked"

 **goblinman:** and like, you gotta make it even crazier, yknow, and

 **goblinman:** you win when everybody is left speechless

 **goblinman:** its called conspiracy, and there's two modes to play: chaos and creative

 **goblinman:** chaos has one person always refuting, and everyone has to deny their refutes while proving their point further

 **goblinman:** of course, they have to do it in a creative way

 **goblinman:** creative is just building and building until it gets fuckin crazy

 **hunkofgorgeous:** lance, why

 **ifuckingdied:** bc we were bored in bed but we didnt wanna get up so lance looked at one of my alien posters and got inspired

 **ifuckingdied:** its actually fun as fuck

 **goblinman:** that high u get when u wake up w ur partner inspired me, too

 **ifuckingdied:** thats the sweetest fucking thing ive ever heard

 **pidgeonator3000:** stop being Gay and start playing

 **goblinman:** ok ill start

 **goblinman:** the chupacabra is real

 **goblinman:** keith is next because i love him

 **ifuckingdied:** the chupacabra is actually a furry named billy bob

 **pidgeonator3000:** holy shit

 **goblinman:** pidge is next

 **pidgeonator3000:** he also dresses up as bigfoot, hes both cryptids

 **goblinman:** oh my god

 **goblinman:** hunk?

 **hunkofgorgeous:** no please, id rather just watch 

 **goblinman:** ok, matt

 **matterbaby:** hes the loch ness monster he just shapeshifts

 **pidgeonator3000:** LEAVE NESSIE ALONE

 **matterbaby:** WHATEVER

 **goblinman:** shiro

 **ann:** the lochness monster is actually a piece of wood that broke off from a bigger, wooden monster

 **leslie:** IM NEXT

 **leslie:** that monster is the KRAKEN

 **goblinman:** holy shit

 **goblinman:** ok im next

 **goblinman:** the kraken was created by the government to fight the russians

 **ifuckingdied:** oh my god

 **ifuckingdied:** i

 **ifuckingdied:** his tentacles stretch underneath the whole continental united states, stranger things style

 **pidgeonator3000:** the tentacles provide energy for our crops to grow and thrive, its why the agriculture industry boomed

 **hunkofgorgeous:** what the fuck

 **matterbaby:** but alas, the agriculture industry is failing, for we are KILLING the kraken

 **ann:** oh my god i have the perfect response

 **ann:** its because... we're killing it by sinning

 **goblinman:** oh my god

 **ifuckingdied:** allura if u dont come up with a response he wins

 **leslie:** we kill it by sinning... because the kraken is actually jesus christ

 **pidgeonator3000:** HOLY SHIT

 **matterbaby:** im dead im fucking dead

 **goblinman:** shes left everybody speechless

 **goblinman:** allura

 **goblinman:** you win

 **leslie:** WOOHOO

 **ifuckingdied:** i cant believe jesus christ is the backbone of our agriculture industry :/

 **pidgeonator3000:** who knew he was Actually watching over us... because hes a tentacle monster

 **hunkofgorgeous:** what the fuck did i just read

 **matterbaby:** LMAO

 **leslie:** the possibilities of bullshit in this game would increase if we were all drunk

 **goblinman:**... next time

 **ifuckingdied:** NO no getting drunk we're gonna have another bonding moment and youre gonna ruin it by being drunk and pretending not to remember

 **goblinman:** NO i have no reason to pretend not to remember babe

 **pidgeonator300:** OOF he pulled out the babe

 **ifuckingdied:** whfhrrpu WHATEVER youll probably try and propose or something and ill be so drunk ill say yes 

 **ifuckingdied:** and then u wouldnt FREAKING remember

 **goblinman:** would u have to be drunk to say yes?

 **ifuckingdied:** if im being honest, no, not really

 **ifuckingdied** : BUT THATS NOT THE POINT RIGHT NOW

 **ifuckingdied:** im still mad abt that >:0

 **goblinman:** mmm i love u <3

 **ifuckingdied:** i love u too

 **ifuckingdied:** loser

 **ifuckingdied:** but like. am mad

 **goblinman:** im sorry ur just

 **goblinman:** idk i get what u meant when you were in my bedroom that time and u mentioned something about the light hitting my face

 **goblinman:** youre so pretty, keith

 **pidgeonator3000:** wow thats really gay also if youre gonna be all lovey dovey here take it to the dms please thanks

 **pidgeonator3000:** dont wanna open this shit one day and see sexting. thank u for coming to my ted talk

 **hunkofgorgeous:** tbh lance talks about keith all the time when hes home

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i dont think its annoying bc tbh them pretending not to like each other was awful

 **hunkofgorgeous:** but no joke keith ur all he talks abt

 **ifuckingdied:** i fucking died

 **ann:** lance is all keith talks about too its kinda gross

 **ann:** i still havent given lance the shovel talk

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i need to give keith the shovel talk too

 **goblinman:** i feel like its too late to do that lads

 **ifuckingdied:** i love you

 **goblinman:** hey i love you too

 **pidgeonator3000:** lance i love ur sister

 **goblinman:** im gonna murder u

 **matterbaby:** ill defend u pidge

 **pidgeonator3000:** i dont need u to defend me tbh i can destroy lance with all of my limbs tied together

 **goblinman:** how would that even work

 **pidgeonator3000:** roll and bite

 **ann:** picturing that is... frightening

 **pidgeonator3000:** but no yeah lance i think im like. in deep shit for ur sister its kind of scary ;(

 **matterbaby:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 **leslie:** PIIIIDDDDEGGEGEGEGEGE

 **hunkofgorgeous:** THATS AWESOME

 **pidgeonator3000:** y'all... stopp...

 **goblinman:** im gonna Actually eat u alive

 **goblinman:** jk go for it u have me blessing

 **goblinman:** *my

 **ann:** ahoy there, matey

 **ifuckingdied:** what the fuck

 **leslie:** hey shiro the hearing is gonna be the day after tomorrow, did i forget to mention that

 **leslie:** sooooo we should probably leave like. tomorrow morning

 **ann:** OH yeah ok ill start packing

 **ann:** hey matt do u wanna help

 **matterbaby:** mmmm only if we get distracted and start making out halfway

 **ann:** done

 **matterbaby:** fuck yeah

 **leslie:** well i mean you dont need to pack much its only an hour and a half away, not too far id say

 **leslie:** we'll be staying at castle altea so its not like its a hotel

 **goblinman:** castle altea??

 **pidgeonator3000:** whats that

 **leslie:** oh did i like. not tell u guys?

 **leslie:** ok so before my dad died and i moved out with coran we lived in. well. we lived in a mansion

 **leslie:** it was. pretty big, lots of rooms, our aunts and uncles would visit for months at a time since they came from far off so we had it built for that express purpose

 **leslie:** weve pretty much lived there for generations

 **leslie:** but ever since both my mom and dad died nobody really visits anymore, and its just. empty

 **leslie:** its not totally alone though, a woman named Amintah takes care of it, she's worked for us for years

 **leslie:** tbh she used to be my nanny too i trust her with my life

 **ann:** oh wow

 **matterbaby:** livin that Rich Life, huh

 **leslie:** well i mean im probably never gonna see it again after the will reading

 **leslie:** i mean cmon its obvi gonna go to uncle blaytz or someone and i doubt theyre really gonna let me have any say in what they do with it

 **leslie:** so idk i just wanna stay in it one last time, remember what it was like to live there

 **goblinman:** that so sad wtf

 **goblinman:** i wanna go with u now

 **ifuckingdied:** yeah me too

 **pidgeonator3000:** me three

 **hunkofgorgeous:** emotional support?? count me in

 **matterbaby:** im down

 **leslie:** wtf guys thats so sweet

 **leslie:** would u do that?? like

 **leslie:** i dont wanna like. just drag u away for three days for no reason

 **hunkofgorgeous:** youre our friend, why wouldnt we go with u??

 **hunkofgorgeous:** we love and support you and we want to be there for u during this chapter of ur life

 **leslie:** GUUYYYSYSYS thats so sweet of you

 **leslie:** alright then, its a squad trip!!

 **goblinman:** WOOOHOOOO

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nyoohoohoo  
> idk tbh i saw a roommates au on tumblr and ig i got inspired   
> who knows  
> maybe the roommates thing might be  
> p e r m a n e n t ;)  
> (whispers: shitpost central 2: mansion headquarters)


	17. the reading & the inheritance: part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> points to self  
> this bitch empty
> 
> ...
> 
> y e e t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so it begins

**_shitpost central_ **

**goblinman:** hey queens

 **goblinman:** its road trip day!!

 **ifuckingdied:** why did i read that in james charles voice

 **goblinman:** first of all, please Never say that to me again

 **goblinman:** second of all, how do u know what his voice sounds like

 **ifuckingdied:** covergirl adverts and also i love you youre much better than that spider boy

 **pidgeonator3000:** fjfgjhghksdkf 

 **leslie:** it IS road trip day my most beautiful goat whisperer,

 **hunkofgorgeous:** wtf

 **leslie:** we'll take the train :) i already got us all tickets

 **ann:** oh what?? allura u didnt need to do that

 **leslie:** well youre all being kind enough to accompany me on this difficult trip and i really appreciate that

 **ann:** hey hey we're going because we love you and we want to be there for you

 **leslie:** i love you guys too

 **leslie:** seriously, im glad you guys are coming with me

 **matterbaby:** were glad were going too 

 **matterbaby:** in fact, i already bought snacks

 **ann:** when

 **matterbaby:** idk i was having a Thing and i went out at like 3 AM to the corner store and bought five (5) bags of cool ranch doritos

 **pidgeonator3000:** i

 **ann:** a thing??

 **matterbaby:** idk its

 **matterbaby:** its whatever

 **ann:** private? 

 **matterbaby:** yes please

 **pidgeonator3000:** thats me cue lads

 **pidgeonator3000:** since we leave in like. two hours and i assume everyones packed

 **goblinman:** im not

 **hunkofgorgeous:** yes u are u forgetful buffoon, i had to pack for you

 **goblinman:** wtf imfhgkdhg i love you so much hunk u dont understand

 **pidgeonator3000:** ANYWAY we should go out to get REAL snacks and not just five (5) bags of cool ranch doritos

 **leslie:** we should do that on the way 

 **leslie:** i mean we'll take linda wont we

 

**_(mattholt) loveofmylife >>> (trynadie) mysoulmate_ **

**loveofmylife:** idk i just started thinking abt te-osh

 **loveofmylife:** she was like a sister to me and when she just

 **mysoulmate:** hey i know what youre going through

 **mysoulmate:** we all do, we've all lost someone

 **loveofmylife:** she was like another sister to me yknow and when i found out that she just. did that to herself

 **loveofmylife:** i didnt understand

 **mysoulmate:** i know my love

 **mysoulmate:** ive never had someone close to me die like that, so i cant say i relate completely

 **mysoulmate:** but i do know what its like to lose someone

 **mysoulmate:** let me be here for you, i know you dont talk about these things often and i want you to trust in me when you feel this way

 **loveofmylife:** i do babe i do

 **loveofmylife:** im just not entirely used to it

 **mysoulmate:** get over here i wanna hold u

 **loveofmylife:** i love u so much shiro u dont understand

 **mysoulmate:** i love you too

**_shitpost central_ **

**ann:** HER NAME IS LAURA

 **ann:** and she is the best minivan anyone will ever get ever

 **ann:** i will Not tolerate this slander

 **pidgeonator3000:** ok but who rides shotgun

 **ann:** im driving

 **ann:** sooo automatically itll be my husband, matt

 **matterbaby:** wtf im ur husband??

 **ann:** mmm not yet

 **pidgeonator3000:** hahahahahahahahahahaha s t op 

 **ann:** id propose to u rn but idk if itd be appropriate to do over text

 **matterbaby:** omggg shiro stoppp ur making me blush

 **pidgeonator3000:** thanks! i hate it

 **hunkofgorgeous:** i have 36 boxes of bandaids at the ready

 **goblinman:** what the fuck

 **hunkofgorgeous:** youre all fools that will get injured easily

 **ifuckingdied:** i agree

 **leslie:** ok everybody get ur stuff packed and loaded in the van 

 **leslie:** time to go see my almost-abandoned mansion and estranged family!!!

 **leslie:** man i havent heard from uncle blaytz or uncle gyrgan or auntie trigel in a whiiiile i hope theyre doing ok

 **leslie:** ive heard from uncle zarkon :) i dont need to hear any more

 **ann:** oof savage

 **leslie:** we probably Wont see lotor there so thats a good thing

 **leslie:** but yeah. 

 **leslie:** lets go bitches


	18. the arrival and the reading: part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof amintah is such a mom  
> and  
> angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically zarkon owns like. some sort of like security agency and he basically hires out bodyguards to ppl so hes rly rich and hes trained by the military and stuff hes hardcore  
> lotor lowkey hates his dad bc his dad doesnt rly accept his being gay and pursuing a career in the beauty industry but he's like "ig ill pay for it i mean whatever he'll get over it" spoilers he doesnt  
> anyway lotor's mom disappeared on him and his dad refuses to tell him where she is or even who she is, he has a stepmom that he doesnt rly like  
> allura bonded w lotor and saved his ass a couple of times and gave him a job and pushes him to pursue higher careers bc hes kinda family (not blood related but idk her dad and zarkon were Super Close almost like Brothers) and she hates him sometimes but yknow how it be  
> i feel like i never explained their backstory hahahaha whoops
> 
> ALSO im literally SO sorry it took me SO long to update! season 6 literally shocked me back to life as far as writing goes haha and im trying to get everything out before season 7 eats my ass!!!!
> 
> thank u for being so patient with me uwu

_**shitpost central** _

**goblinman:** hey allura

 **leslie:** yes my boy??

 **goblinman:** u said u lived in a mansion right

 **goblinman:** yeah this is a FUCKING castle

 **ann:** hence the name castle altea, perhaps

 **goblinman:** im literally crying allura what the fuck

 **goblinman:** how many ROOMS does this place have

 **leslie:** mmm a lot

 **goblinman:** i... wanna make out w keith in every single one of them

 **leslie:** DONT DEFILE MY HOME

 **ifuckingdied:** yeaaaahhh

 **hunkofgorgeous:** this... is the most beautiful architecture ive ever seen in my entire life

 **pidgeonator3000:** allura when did u like. add all of this technology to ur home

 **pidgeonator3000:** its so sophisticated and well arranged and beautiful and its so amazing holy shit

 **leslie:** oh it was something done a few years back before my dad died

 **leslie:** stop texting and go talk to amintah she'll give you the tour while i go meet up with my uncle

 **leslie:** sorry i cant give u the tour but he told me to meet him asap bc apparently he has some bad news? idk im nervous

 **ann:** do u want me to go with you???

 **leslie:** no its ok, if its rly bad ill probably run to you all anyway

 **leslie:** ok gtg

 **goblinman:** is that amintah

 **ifuckingdied:** i think so

 **hunkofgorgeous:** why are we still texting

 **pidgeonator3000:** its easier for the author to convey and describe the current actions this way without writing out full-blown, proper paragraphs, especially since she's had a long day and it's almost midnight in south texas

 **pidgeonator3000:** bear with her, she's doing her best :)

 **goblinman:** IF IM NOT ALLOWED TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL NEITHER ARE U u HOBGOBLIN

 **pidgeonator3000:** i defend the author and this is how she chooses to make lance treat me... smh my head

 **pidgeonator3000:** anyway its at this point she realizes she can cut to after the tour for them to actually review what happened, so everyone put ur phones down

 **pidgeonator3000:** its much more realistic this way haha

**_a little bit later_ **

**hunkofgorgeous:** i have two moms already but can i adopt a third

 **goblinman:** shes so tall and graceful and beautiful.... what a mom, and icon, a queen

 **ifuckingdied:** what a mom

 **matterbaby:** what a mom

 **ann:** what a mom

 **pidgeonator3000:** i wanna see if she can carry me lowkey

 **pidgeonator3000:** ok but her voice is so smooth? its like she was hypnotizing me

 **pidgeonator3000:** also my room is fucking huge

 **goblinman:** keith and i are rooming together :) 

 **matterbaby:** LMAO when she mentioned most walls were soundproof and she looked at klance

 **goblinman:** WTF DID SHE

 **ifuckingdied:** how can she tell... wtf....

 **pidgeonator3000:** even before u were together it was obvious to pretty much everyone but you

 **ann:** im waiting on allura and her bad news :/ i hope shes ok

 **matterbaby:** yeah she hasnt come back in a while? im worried too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** now that u mention it

 **leslie:** hey gu ys   i

 **leslie:** im sorry i was gon e for so lng

 **leslie:** i jst

 **leslie:** can everyone please come o  fj to tbe living rookm

 **ann:** hey r u ok??

 **leslie:** pleasre

 **ann:** we're on our way

 **goblinman:** on it, princess

**_(knifeman) littleshit >>> (trynadie) fucklord_ **

**littleshit:** hows allura doing?

 **fucklord:** not great

 **fucklord:** shes been crying for an hour, im trying to give her water but shes just sobbing and i dont want her to choke or something

 **fucklord:** i cant believe this

 **fucklord:** and she didnt even know until today, as it was she already felt terrible

 **fucklord:** i know exactly how shes feeling

 **littleshit:** when dad died, you had to take care of a moody kid while barely being old enough with almost zero help

 **littleshit:** even on your worst days, you were there for me when no one else was

 **littleshit:** i feel like i havent thanked you enough

 **littleshit:** i dont know what id do if i lost you

 **fucklord:** you dont need to thank me for anything, youre my brother

 **fucklord:** if i lost you, i dont know what id do either

 **fucklord:** right now, allura is going to inherit obligations and responsibilities and issues she might not be ready for

 **fucklord:** we need to be there for her

 **littleshit:** i know

 **littleshit:** we will

_**(lanceylance) noodleman >>> (trynadie) designateddad** _

**noodleman:** hows my girl holding up?

 **designateddad:** shes starting to breathe a little better

 **noodleman:** oh god

 **noodleman:** i cant imagine how shes feeling

 **noodleman:** to just. lose almost all of your family like that

 **noodleman:** and then have to attend a will reading for your father

 **noodleman:** i just cant comprehend it

 **designateddad:** shes really hurting right now

 **designateddad:** i think for now we should give her a little bit of space, especially before the will reading

 **designateddad:** im trying to calm her down and her stable but its taking some time

 **noodleman:** what can we do for her? there has to be something

 **designateddad:** theres not much you can do

 **designateddad:** at least, i dont know if there is

 **designateddad:** all we can do is just be there for her when she needs us

 **designateddad:** to always be there for her, yknow

 **noodleman:** yeah, i get it

 **noodleman:** i just. want to hug her and tell her we all love her, that we're also her family, that she's not alone

 **noodleman:** i dont want to see her cry like that again

 **designateddad:** me either

**_(mattholt) powerofgodANDanime >>> (princessmonstertruck) steponme_ **

**powerofgodANDanime:** hey allura ik youre probably not checking your phone right now

 **powerofgodANDanime:** but i just want you to know that we're all here for you and we all love you a lot

 **powerofgodANDanime:** i cant even imagine the sort of pain that youre in right now, and i dont know if saying this will only make things worse

 **powerofgodANDanime:** but please dont forget that we're your family, too

 **powerofgodANDanime:** we love you and we support you through everything and we're always going to have your back, always

 **powerofgodANDanime:** you'll never be alone because you have us, even if sometimes we clash or whatever, we'll always be here for you

 **powerofgodANDanime:** if you need to talk to us about anything, or even just wanna cry while all of us hug you and try not to suffocate you

 **powerofgodANDanime:** we'll always be here

 **powerofgodANDanime:** im sorry im not that great with words, i really dont know what to say in these situations

 **powerofgodANDanime:** but i just felt like you needed to know this

**_a little bit MORE later_ **

**_shitpost central_ **

**leslie** : hello everyone

 **goblinman:** allura!! how are u feeling?

 **ifuckingdied:** yeah are you okay?

 **matterbaby:** talk 2 us beautiful lady

 **pidgeonator3000:** hows my princess

 **hunkofgorgeous:** can y'all let her speak for like 2 seconds

 **leslie:** thank u all for ur kind wishes

 **leslie:** ive stopped crying. im probably going to cry again later but for now i have some announcements

 **leslie:** so as you all know all of my aunts and uncles are dead or zarkon, so everything that was going to be given to them passes onto me

 **leslie:** zarkon inherits certain possessions which are my duty to give him

 **leslie:** and castle altea was actually originally going to be given to me

 **leslie:** however, i dont know what im going to do with this estate

 **leslie:** its already 100% paid for, we own this land and everything in it, all id have to do is pay electricity/water/phone/internet/taxes yadda yadda yadda

 **leslie:** but i dont know if i should move here or not

 **leslie:** and restore the estate, do some remodeling, put those two architecture classes i took in college to good use

 **ann:** well, you can weigh the pros and cons

 **ann:** and see what might suit you best

 **goblinman:** yeah! thats what i always do

 **ifuckingdied:** id do the same if i thought about any decision i made beforehand ever

 **goblinman:** i love that about you

 **leslie:** so if i move here im under amintah's care, i get to live in my childhood home, im close to many branches of my franchise and potentially get to evenly split the areas between coran and i so that it's north + south and not just north and slightly lower north, i live like a princess

 **leslie:** but the cons are that im far from you guys and i dont get to hang out w you as often and i really dont want that

 **goblinman:** AWW ALLURA

 **leslie:** its true thats a really big con

 **ann:** well the pros outweigh the cons, but you said its a really big con, so how can we alleviate it??

 **leslie:** in a perfect world yall would live with me tbh

 **leslie:** or at least stay w me during the summer

 **pidgeonator3000:** why dont we... do that.

 **leslie:** huh

 **ifuckingdied:** yeah thats like. why dont we stay with you during summers and you come over during holidays.

 **goblinman:** thats such a good idea what the fuck

 **leslie:** i mean i wouldnt wanna pull you away from your families

 **goblinman:** i split my summers with my family anyway, plus esme might stay with me during the summer anyway

 **pidgeonator3000:** yeah i split my summers too

 **hunkofgorgeous:** same here

 **matterbaby:** count me in as well

 **ifuckingdied:** i dont but im down

 **ann:** me too @ keith

 **leslie:** im gonna die i fucking love u guys so much ur all the sweetest people in the world forever

 **ifuckingdied:** we would all literally sacrifice ourselves for u so idk why youre surprised

 **leslie:** im Weeping

 **leslie:** im gonna sort out everything that needs to be passed on to zarkon and then ill start planning everything with amintah and coran

 **leslie:** but im probably gonna start moving in a couple of weeks

 **ann:** well help you move

 **goblinman:** yeah it works out since classes end in a couple of weeks too

 **leslie:** im literally gonna paint ur faces on ur bedrooms i love u all so much

 **pidgeonator3000:** we love u too beautiful lady

 **hunkofgorgeous:** anyway i raided ur fridge so i could make dinner and i just wanna say amintah has Impeccable taste

 **hunkofgorgeous:** dinners ready in t-15 minutes im making steak, steamed potatoes, and rice

 **ifuckingdied:** i fucking died

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok u guys r gonna fucking hate me for this but im going absolutely nuts over the adahsi/shadam reveal and im literally gonna kill myself this is too much
> 
> im starting a NEW shitpost central will all of the Gang UPDATED so stay tuned for THAT
> 
> anyway check out "to go home" i wrote it. its based on lance uh. going home lol
> 
> thanks uwu!!!

**Author's Note:**

> hmu @  
> twitter: @violentmemes  
> instagram: @violentmemes (if i dont accept u just follow my twitter)  
> snapchat: @violentmeans


End file.
